[ 510 ] [Mav, 



VULGARISMS ON GIN-PUNCH, BY A PUACTICAL PHILOSOPHER. 



■ol. ( iT 



" Man being reasonable must get drunk ; .in 



The best of life is but intoxication." Lord Byron. 



Proem : or Pholkgomena. — The Poet confesses himself somewhat refreshed, and consequently in 

 a happy state for versifying. The medicinal properties of Gin described ; its power of communicating 

 sunshine to a gentleman's nose ; with two brief but beautiful illustrations of its mathematical and 

 algebraic properties. The Bard instances Lord Byron's predilection for gin, and giveth his (the Bard's) 

 opinion of Messieurs Coleridge and Wordsworth, after a bowl thereof. He falleth foul of Sir Hum- 

 phrey Davy, and proves his theory of a vacuum in nature to be logically incorrect. Afl'ecting episode 

 of a young gentleman (a water-drinker) who died in consequence. The Minstrel empties his second 

 bowl, and fecleth himself " a giantTefreshed :" his state of mind depicted in tliree inspired stanzas. 

 The Improvisators empties his third bowl, and feels himself quits with Shakspeare : he likeneth his 

 genius to that of Milton, Pope, Dante, and Cervantes ; to the latter especially, from a corresponding 

 leanness of purse and person. The Troubadour declares the right owner of Don Juan, Old Mor- 

 tality, &c., and asserteth that he isL. E. L. The Rh Yiiiester confesses himself the original discoverer 

 of the " Elixir Vitx," Vaccination, and Steam-boats. He proposeth a plan for draining the English 

 bogs, fens and lakes, but being interrupted by an ingenious observation of his tea-kettle, maketh a 

 gobd-natured rejoinder, and concludeth his canticle. 



My Friends, I am exceeding fresli — oh shame, that I should say so ! 

 But 'tis a fact, for three years past, I've been both night and clay so ; 

 Gin-punch is mj' sole tipple, by my soul a divine article. 

 For all who need a stimulus astringent or cathartical. 



Some green-horns ape their Burton ale, and some their runi-and-water, 

 And some their port wine Bishop, u'/iilf,- I call the devil's daughter; 

 But I'm for gin, immortal gin, a nectar fit for deities — 

 (Now, don't take this for granted, sir, but drink, and then you'll see it is). 



I surely need not tell you how this brisk elixir throws, sir. 

 The jolly light of sunshine o'er the nous, and eke the nose, sir ; 

 How, touched by its Ithuriel spear, the brain of lord or lout, ma'am. 

 Like a poet's pantaloons is turned completely inside out, ma'am. 



Still less need I enumerate its unassuming jollities. 



Its rich and rare lubricity, its scientific qualities ; 



For if by algebraic laws, your two and two make four, sir, 



Drink gin in punch, and when you're drunk you'll make a couple more, sir. 



For instance, here are two decanters, call them A and B, now ; 

 Just finish both and tlien despatch two others, C and D, now. 

 This done, two others, E and F, your eye'll discern at random. 

 For tipplers all see duplicates — Quod crat demonstrandum. 



They say that Byron (vide Medwin's Journal) loved a drop, sir, 

 So devoutly of this nectar that he wist not when to stop, sir ; 

 I'd swear to this, for clearly through Don Juan you may see, ma'am, 

 The acid sweet and spirit of gin-punch — so much for he, ma'am. 



There's Coleridge, too, as nice a bard as ever stepped in leather. 

 Both he and poet Wordsworth love a social glass together. 

 And when they've drained a bowl or two, instead of Muses nine, oh. 

 They see eighteen ; for ray part, I would sooner see the rhino. 



Sir Humphrey Davy tells us that boon nature knows no place, sir, 



0( vacuum (aye, that's the word), for matter fills all space, sir: 



Oh, monstrous bounce ! you'll surely find, though nature is so full, ma'am, 



A vacuum in an empty-headed water-drinker's skull, ma'am. 



I never knew but one who called disease and gin synonimous — 

 I blush to write his name, so let us dub the wretch " anonymous " — 

 And he (the fact is true enough to make our sober youth ache) 

 Died at the age of twenty-two one morning of the tooth-ache. 



