1831. J Maxims by a Middle-aged Gentleman. 13 



and with a serenity of mind which is unknown to the lovers of clubs and 

 such like noisy congregations of men. But for the senseless prejudices 

 of mankind^ such a man as I have described would be " taken" as will- 

 ingly as we take sj^ring physic, and courted, not cut ; for a 



" Blessing goes with him wheresoe'er he goes/' — 



— the blessing of sleep. 



Children. — If you are a father, prevent, if possible, your daughters 

 from squinting or lisping, and your sons from growing up with caret 

 knees — thus ^ — or legs like parentheses — thus ( ) — for these defects, if 

 allowed to " grow with their growth, and strengthen with their 

 strength, ' are sure to infatuate them with the stage as a profession. I 

 have assisted, as |the French say, at some few private plays, and never 

 met with an amateur Romeo or Juliet but had one or other of these de- 

 fects in high perfection, if not some one more impossible and provoking. 

 As a general rule, keep your children's legs straight, and learn them to 

 look right before them, and they may become useful members of society ; 

 reverse the rule, and you make them vagabonds. 



Waiters. — I always endeavour to be liberal with waiters, and " such 

 small deer," and I reckon that I save ten pounds a year by so doing ; for 

 if you will not pay them, they will pay themselves. I get the freshest 

 chops, the best cigars, and a civil good night, with the use of an 

 umbrella when it rains, by this simple expedient : whereas I observe 

 that your niggardly rewarders are always " to seek" for some one or 

 more of these comforts of life. It is the way of the world, fi'om the peer 

 to the postboy : we serve those persons with most pleasure from whom 

 we derive most profit. 



Authors. — Young authors are a very sore race, if you touch one of 

 their faults, though with ever so tender a finger ; I know not wherefore. 

 If a man mount a pedestal to attract notice to himself, we should not 

 ■wonder if, having a hole or two in his hose, he is told of them by the 

 standers by. 



Young authors are in general very gluttons of praise, and ostriches in 

 the digestion of it : nothing sits uneasily on their stomachs but censure. 

 They will bolt any given quantity of praise you can bring them — " the 

 total grain unsifted — husks and all." But if you add a morsel or so of 

 dry advice, or hint an amendment, phew ! the entire gunpowder of their 

 genius is fired o' the instant, and beware of the explosion. Yet indis- 

 criminate praise is certainly the ruin of young ability. As there are 

 some men so cynical, that they will tell you only of your errors, so there 

 are others who will only flatter you for your merits, and conceal your 

 feults. This is like praising the cut of your coat, and winking at the 

 hole in the elbow. 



Secrets. — The easiest way of keeping a secret is, to forget it as soon 

 as communicated. You may have a considerable reputation for confi- 

 dence in this matter, thus easily acquired. The only secret worth know- 

 ing in this life is, how one man contrives to be better than another ; all 

 the rest is mere alchemy. 



Self-praise. — I never believe in the virtues of a man who makes an 

 inventory of them, and boasts of the items, for three reasons : the first 

 is, I can't. 



Table professions. — I make it a rule not to do more than politely 



