14 Maxims by a Middle-aged Gentleman. QJuly, 



listen to second-bottle professions of friendship and proffers of service 

 " to the last shilling." It is true, I render myself liable to the suspicion 

 of doubting that the light of a Will o' the Wisp is not so safe to steer by as 

 that of Eddystone, and that a shooting star is not so sure a guide as a 

 fixed one : but no matter : we are all, every Smith of us^ heterodox in 

 some article or other : bottle-friendships and bottle-professions are those 

 in which I have not faith so large as a grain of mustard-seed. I leave 

 them both to the house-maid, to be carried away with the corks when 

 she clears the table, and to be let out at the window when she ventilates 

 the room next day. 



Bibulous acquaintances. — Never proffer your services to see a 

 stranger home who is Bacchi plenus; for after pulling your shoulders 

 from their sockets, in efforts to support him, or rolling you in the mud 

 when he chooses to refresh therein himself, it is ten to one but he charges 

 you with picking his pocket of something he never held in fee in his life, 

 or else abuses you for refusing to see him to his door, though it is five 

 miles further out of your way^ and you have convoyed him six. Above 

 all, if he looks married, never see him quite home. I need not explain 

 why. 



Complaints op life. — Those who most complain of life are those who 

 have made it disagreeable. Some men stuff their beds with the thorns of 

 remorse, instead of the down of repose, and when they lie on them, they 

 roar with the agony they have inflicted on themselves. As reasonably 

 might the ass complain of the thistles which wound his mouth when he 

 persists in chewing them. Those who most feel the load of life complain 

 the least of it. 



Our sourest disappointments are made out of our sweetest hopes, as 

 the best vinegar is made from the best wine. It were happier if men 

 would hope less, that they might be less disappointed ; but who shall 

 set the mark, and who would keep within it if it Avere set ? 



Conversation. — In conversation, eschew that poor penny-farthing 

 pedantry of suggesting etymologies, and being curious about the origin 

 of this or that expression. Words are the current coin of conversation ; 

 take them as they are told down to you, and pay them away as they are 

 demanded. It would be as rational for a man to be curious to know 

 through what hands every shilling in his purse had passed, as whence 

 this word is derived, and whence the other. 



Avoid quotations, unless you are well studied in their import, and feel 



their pertinence. My friend , the other day, looking at the skeleton 



of an ass which had been dug out of a sandpit, and admiring and 

 wondering at the structure even of that despised animal, made a very 

 mal-adroit use of one. " Ah !" said he, with the deepest humility, and 

 a simplicity worthy of La Fontaine, " tve are fearfully and wonderfully 

 made." 



In argument, you need not trouble yourself to contradict a positive 

 man : let him alone, and he will very soon do it for himself. 



Do not allow your friend, because he cannot convince you, and you 

 have convinced him against his will, to compress your nostrils, or kick 

 you out of his chambers, for if you once allow such liberties, there is no 

 knowing what next he may offer at. 



^ y C. W. 



