152 " Mij Wife !" [August, 



tecteil the lurking intention as soon as it was formed. Really, I cannot 

 understand how it is that human nature is still willing to submit to such in- 

 conveniences; and that in spite of Doctors' Commons, people are constantly 

 found, not only perpetrating marriage, but persisting to their last breath 

 in justifying their conduct, gilding their miseries till they look like 

 transports to all but themselves, and preaching up their independence 

 till, like patriots, they half delude themselves with a notion that they are 

 in earnest. I do not go quite so far as the philosopher, who wished that 

 the human race could be continued like trees ; so that when a man wanted 

 an heir he might only have to plant himself in his garden — set his house- 

 keeper to water him — and wait for the shoot sprouting forth. This is a 

 philosophy that is beyond me; but I do wish that there were some 

 modification in the article of marriage; that the practice of widows 

 throwing themselves on the funeral-pile of their husbands, were not con- 

 fined to the Hindoos, but that something of the kind could be adopted 

 here — as, instead of worrying us to death, it would then become the 

 grand aim of their existence to keep us alive as long as possible. 



Or perhaps if the husband were to incur the penalty, it would be as 

 well; it would certainly tend to a diminution of the number of marriages — 

 a result which, besides setting the Malthusians at rest for ever, no slight 

 advantage — would have a sensible effect in the marriage-market, by hum- 

 bling the coquettish and taming the termagants. It is the natural prejudice 

 of the luiman mind in favour of marriage, and a proneness to commit it 

 when about nineteen, that creates the mischief. If men were less ready 

 to fell into the snare, women would be less disposed to make them sensi- 

 ble that they were in it. The more is not the merrier, in this case. There 

 are instances, 1 know, where marriage is indispensable ; such as, when a 

 man has made up his mind to take to drinking. Nothing is more un- 

 comfortable, after spending an evening in the society of a few glasses of 

 brandy and water, than to return home late, knock at the wrong door 

 for half an hour, repeat the operation at the right one for three quarters, 

 then recollect that you have got the key in your pocket after all, open it, 

 grope about in the dark, find your way into any room, careless whether it 

 be the landlady's or not, and fall fast asleep before you have got one 

 boot off. All this is unpleasant, and any person so intending to indulge 

 should certainly matrimonize his condition, in order that he may have 

 somebody to take care of him. In cases like this it would be excusable ; 

 but we are every hour seeing marriages committed upon the most frivol- 

 ous pretences, when there is really no earthly occasion for it. One woidd 

 think it was considered quite a pleasure to repeat the responses and to 

 pay parsons their fees — to eat fifteen shillings' worth of cake, and go to 

 Richmond in a shabby chaise. 



I make not these observations about wives with any desire to depreciate 

 my own. Luckless and ill-fated is the wight who hath a partner prone 

 to cards or paint, to throwing teacups, or dancing with first cousins not 

 absolutely ill-looking. I pity him from the very depths of my spirit — 

 yet I envy him. Yes, his is an enviable state of existence to mine. What 

 is a simple fracture or two, or a slight scar on the temple — or a dinner- 

 service demolished — or the loss of the money which you had put by for 

 your summer expenses at somewhere, to an old card-player that you 

 hate ; or even the elopement with the not-ill-looking first cousin, which 

 is the consequence of your remonstrance ? All these are nothing to my 

 sufferings, but they spring from a different cause. I am not tormented 

 with a bad wife ; but I am tortured — that is not the word, it does not 



