156 "My Wife!" [August, 



my persecutors — and to relieve my embarrassment, and to gain time, I 

 had recourse to my handkerchief. A very good effect is sometimes pro- 

 duced, by taking a neatly folded one by the corner, and giving it a 

 graceful jerk, so as to scatter the perfume as you raise it to your lips. 

 1 took it from my pocket for this purpose — it was folded up. I held 

 it by the corner accordingly, and elevated it to a becoming height, in 

 order that it might fall with proper elegance and effect. Imagine my 

 astonishment, my agony, my shame. It was — not my handkerchief, but 

 my — nightcap ! Alas ! my too-fond, too careful wife, had, witliout my 

 knowledge, slipped it into my pocket, when she embraced me at my 

 departure. 



No culprit at the fatal tree — no young lover of money, with an old 

 bride — no monarch when the emblem of liberty, or revolution, is borne 

 through his palace halls — ever saw a cap with such utter consternation. 

 I held it up between my finger and thumb — not by the corner, for it had 

 none — but by the white tassel that adorned it. I was deprived of the 

 power of motion, my eyes fixed upon it ; and I could neither drop it, 

 nor the hand to which it seemed to grow. There it hung, like IMahomet's 

 coffin. It looked pale with horror. It was suspended before me, like a 

 winding-sheet. It seemed like a concentrated snow-storm ready to burst 

 on my head. I at length east a glance round the table. The female 

 portion of the spectators were endeavouring to look grave and angry, 

 amidst their laughter. The rest did not attempt to conceal the nature of 

 the emotions my inadvertence had produced. The laughter was undis- 

 guised, and I felt that I must fight a duel with every man in the room. 

 I ventured one half-averted look at the fair poet, who had thus iniinten- 

 tionally conspired with " my wife" to bring this disgrace upon my head. 

 I read my history in her eyes — the truth was too clear to be a moment 

 questioned. I had been praising her poem — I had dwelt with delight 

 upon its beauties — I had confessed that an accident had interrupted the 

 perusal ; and when asked what that accident was, I had in the most 

 pointed, public, and deliberate manner elevated a nightcap ! Could any 

 declaration tell more plainly, that I fell asleep over the production I had 

 so satirically admired. What ! — to display a nightcap to a young and 

 innocent creature, who had probably never seen her grandfather's ! — not 

 even her little brother's, after the border was taken off? The offence 

 was beyond the hope of pai'don, and apology was useless. 



The lady spoke first — what I know not. I only heard her stammer 

 out something, like an Jiolian harp afflicted with the palsy, or a piano- 

 forte with an impediment in its speech. I could not reply. I had borne 

 the laughter, but it was impossible to encounter the condolence of the 

 whole room. Retreat was my only refuge, and I determined at once to 

 decamp. I feigned a fish-bone in my throat, or something equally incon- 

 venient, pulled the cap furiously upon my head — nay, over my eyes — 

 and without uttering a word, or stopping to answer one, rushed hatless 

 into a hackney-coach. 



" ]\Iy wife" Avatched over the progress of my fever for three months, 

 with the truest and most tender affection. How thankful the kind- 

 hearted creature was that the incident had taken so serious an effect upon 

 me! — it afforded her such an admirable opportunity of evincing her de- 

 votion. How grateful was she for my sufferings ! — she had the exquisite 

 enjoyment of alleviating them. I sometimes think tliat she almost wislies 

 me dead— for the pleasure of being utterly inconsolable. B. 



