1831.] [ 277 ] 



THE STEAM-BOAT. A PATER OF MY UNCLe's. 



I CAN generally tell a traveller of much experience, by his system and 

 tranquillity. He is uniformly in good time — avoids all superfluity of 

 language, and is well provided with the absolute essentials for a journey. 

 On the other hand, the symptoms are as visible in those whose sedentary 

 habits have " still confined them to their homes." Every thing, with them, 

 is hurry and confusion ; the objects of their journeys are frequently de- 

 feated by absurd omissions ; the want of method multiplies the troubles 

 of their preparation, and makes the simple act of packing up a complete 

 labour of distraction. A man in haste will cut himself in shaving, and 

 lose an hour in staunching his wound, before he can venture to put on 

 his shirt and cravat. He takes his breakfast in a constant trot from box 

 to bag ; swallows masses of unmasticated food, and scalds his mouth — 

 in many instances, to be too late ; or else, to catch his vehicle by run- 

 ning half a mile, and hallooing till speech has left him ; Avhen, perhaps, 

 he mounts the coach, with aU the liquid honours of a river god ; and, 

 after the enjoyment of a three hours' indigestion, finds himself possessed 

 of an insuperable rheumatism, or a six months' cold. Similar and equal 

 evils attend the raw or dilatory traveller, who goes by steam ; indeed, 

 where procrastination is " part and parcel" of a man's own nature, he 

 will find himself deplorably unfitted for the duties, and the pleasures 

 even, of a locomotive life. 



I could not resist the wishes of a schoolfellow — whom I had lost for 

 many years — to join him on a trip to Dunkirk, in a steamer, which was 

 puritanically designated, in the notice of its sailing, as a vessel worthy 

 the attention, and adapted to the comforts of the religious public. I 

 found many martyrs, but no evangelists, on board ; and I was glad to 

 see that such a despicable clap-trap had not denuded pleasure of its gaiety, 

 or brought hypocrisy to offer insult to the sanctity of undissembled 

 holiness. 



I felt a curious disposition to speculate on all the characters I saw 

 around me ; but, why and wherefore I recorded what I thought, I know 

 not. Can the more pretending give a wholesome reason for the utter- 

 ance of what they Avrite ? Can critics give a proof of their infallibility .-' 

 or dogmatists, who dictate their opinions to the world, produce an ho- 

 nest vindication of their high authority ? 



My friend and I were not the first on board. A party of exclusives 

 occupied a bench upon the larboard side ; and, by way of ensuring the 

 uninterrupted pleasures of their sdccl societij, were confronted by a row 

 of elegantes and beaux, on stools — an arrangement destined to repel in- 

 trusion, and assert the consequence of all the party, though highly detri- 

 mental to the humbler travellers, who naturally looked for the free 

 passage of the deck. 



By dint of casual inquiries, I ascertained the real grade of these su- 

 perlatives. The leader of the party was heiress to incalculable wealth ; 

 and, being ever in the leading-strings of jealous monitors, had rejected 

 every ofl'er made her, as a scheme ujjon her fortune. Her importance 

 was augmented by a string of toad-eaters, who found their benefit in the 

 perpetuation of her maidenhood, and earned their living by advice, on 

 all occasions, as their tyro sojourned in the realms of Bishopsgate- 

 within, or in the rural colls of Ilornsey-vvood, where Fauns and Dryads, 

 Dians, Cupidii and Apollos, were stuck as thick and permanently, as old 



