610 The Spirit- Seeker. [Dec. 



■which I dare not tell of, things which would congeal the blood to ice, 

 and turn the heart to stone. They were always near me, go where I 

 would. If I plunged into dissipation, they were stiU before me in all 

 their hideousness. In the banquet I have sat down, surrounded by 

 noisy revellers, but I could hear a fearful whispering above the shouts 

 of the rioters ; the faces of those around, turned to demon forms, 

 and the wine-cup seemed to change its contents from the sparkling juice 

 of the grape, to the dark and awful hue of human blood. I could not 

 endure this eternal horror, it made me mad. I often attempted to 

 destroy myself, but some unknown power held my hand, and the wea- 

 pon dropt harmlessly from my grasp. 



" I determined to return to the home of my fathers, and I informed 

 my friends of my resolution. They attempted to dissuade me, but 

 without success. Every temptation was thrown in my way, to make 

 me give up my object, but I adhered to my determination. They then 

 made every arrangement for my convenience, and I parted with them. 

 I took with me their good wishes, aiid entered immediately upon my 

 voyage. 



" I paid little attention to what was going forward in the ship ; I was 

 wrapt up in my own reveries. The same torture I suffered on board, 

 as I had endured on land. It seemed as if a demon had possessed me ; 

 for the same sights blasted my gaze, and the same voices tortured my 

 ear, I have rushed to plunge myself in the wave that was roaring 

 beneath me, but an invisible hand held me back, and I had not the 

 power to move. When I heard we were going to be attacked, and 

 when I saw the preparations we were making for defence, I was in 

 great joy ; for now said I, I shall surely die. I went and prepared 

 myself for the conflict with a light heart; for I expected soon to throw 

 off the torture that had so long been gnawing at my brain. I listened 

 to the roar of the guns, and the clashing of weapons, and the groans of 

 the wounded, and sliouts of the combatants, as to the sweetest music ; 

 but above the roar, and the clash, and the groan, and the shout, was the 

 whispering of unearthly voices. It tortured me to madness, and I 

 could endure it no longer. I caught up the steel, and rushed into the 

 thickest of the fight. I struck down all that opposed me ; their blows 

 fell upon me like the pattering of summer rain on the tall grass ; and 

 the bullets whistled by my ears, but I minded them not more than the 

 hail in a thunder-storm. Wherever I came, they fled ; I singled out 

 the bravest of those who remained, and cleft him down with a stroke 

 of my sword. Soon all was over. I retired from the fray unhurt, and 

 I now live ! — live to endure an agony no medicine can alleviate, a pain 

 no art can cure. ]\Iy brain burns with a scorching heat, that all the 

 tears the saints have shed, for the sins of the wicked, could not cool. 

 My heart is as a withered tree — the lightning has scorched it to the 

 core. Night and day, tne dark and hoi-rible shadows are around me, 

 and a chorus of feeble voices are eternally babbling in my ear unutter- 

 able things, that make my soul sick at the sound. Among crowds, I 

 am in a solitude. I see not, hear not, think not of what is passing around 

 me — I dare not think ; for a curse is on my brain, and a blight is on 

 mj' heart, which makes me see things that others see not, and hear 

 things that others may not hear ; and never till the grave separates this 

 restless spirit from its coiporeal frame, and the dark shadows of obli- 



