1831.] Too Early. 613 



tion, he sorrowfully petitions Heaven to send some Brobdignadian house- 

 maid that way, that she may take him up in her brawny arms, and 

 twirl the moisture from him as an English wench twirleth her mop. — 

 And this is what my poor great-grandfather used to call the luxury of 

 early rising ! — Well, well, he paid a dear penalty for his ntiistake ; so 

 let us hope that lie is by this time in another and a better world, and 

 never gets up till half-past nine. 



2d. It is unsafe — And here, again, let me refer to the example- 

 giving career of my great-grandfather. Three times within the last 

 two years of his early rising, the consequence of his being abroad at sucli 

 unseasonable hours, was his being atttacked by highwaymen : — the first 

 time, he was sauntering along Hornsey-lane long before any decent per- 

 son (except himself) was stiri'ing, when he suddenly perceived the 

 muzzle of a horse-pistol immediately under his nose, while as suddenly 

 he heard " Stand, and deliver !" growled in his ear by as rugged a 

 descendant of Blackbeard as Hockley-in-the-Hole ever produced ; — my 

 great-grandfather, satisfied with one glance, ran for it, and, when he got 

 home, had the satisfaction of finding that the bullet, which had been sent 

 whizzing after him, had only carried oif an inch and a half of his pig- 

 tail, and about a quarter of the collar of his coat : — the second occasion 

 of his being attacked was in the neighbourhood of Hounslow-heath, and 

 from that clerk of St. Nicholas he had the good luck to escape by plung- 

 ing into a ditch, one part water and three parts mud, and vigorously 

 kicking his way through slime and duck- weed to the opposite bank : — 

 his third adventure of this description was on the banks of the Lea 

 river ; but bj;^ this time my great-grandfather had learned prudence ; 

 and, therefore, instead of running, or swimming, or being shot, he 

 peaceably resigned his valuables, "on demand," to the amount of three 

 shillings and twopence-halfpenny of the current coin of the realm, an 

 old tobacco-stopper, a silver tooth-pick, and a penknife with only half a 

 blade to it. Let, then, the rising generation take warning by these mis- 

 haps that followed my great-grandfather's early hours, and particularly 

 remember that of all highwaymen those that are in practice about five 

 in the morning are the most dangerous, — and for this simple reason — ■ 

 that they have had bad luck through the night, and are beginning 

 to get sulky. 



.3d. It is uncomfortable. — Are you a bachelor, my excellent reader .^ 

 If you are, I grant you a pause ****** 



just so much, to bring back to your recollection the mistake that you 

 probably once in your life have made — not oftener, I can well believe 

 you — of coming down to your snug apartment before your usual time. 

 Oh ! the powers of patience, what a reception there awaited you ! Chairs 

 in threefold confusion — the sad remains of a foregone supper — the ashes 

 of defunct cigars overlaying sofa, table, and floor— and the smoke of the 

 aforesaid defunct still hanging like a heavy vapour in the atnios])here 

 of the apartment ! — Or, is the honest gentleman that is now honouring 

 this paper with his perusal, happy enough to be married ? If so, I trust 

 for his own sake, as well as that of his amiable lady, that he keeps good 

 hours, both by morning as well as by night. — I trust, said I ? — Nay, I 

 am sure ! — and, therefore, the observation that I am now going to make 

 is hypotlietical — not practical — something thrown out for the abstract 

 consideration of my married reader — not for liis censure. Let us, for 

 the sake of argument, suppose a wedded gentleman so in love witli 



