1826. } Mission to the Kitchen. 15 
the main system have been brought into a well-trained activity, attention 
will be turned to the running of culinary stage-coaches and steam- 
vessels, to be conducted by gastronomic coachmen and captains, for 
the further dissemination of the true faith in eating, and for the security 
of tender consciences, that are apt to be hurt by too close a contact 
with such eyvil-disposed persons as will eat any thing, and convert the 
tender mercies of Providence into curses, by their indifference to the 
spoiling of a good dinner. Light artillery waggons will likewise be 
prepared, to be laden with charges of portable soups and scientific fish- 
sauces, to be kept constantly in readiness at the principal military dépéts, 
and thence to be marched, at a moment’s notice, to any point of the 
kingdom in which discontent may manifest itself; and the newly invent- 
ed stomach-pump will be applied to the double purpose cf emptying the 
stomachs of his Majesty’s lieges of inflammatory matter, and of forcibly 
injecting into the alimentary canal of the disloyal such bland and di- 
gestible materials as will correct their humours and purify the blood. 
Thus it is humbly presumed that an abundant supply of turtle soup, 
prepared under the loyal direction of Sir Wm. C—t—s, or by the cor- 
recting hand of Alderman B—ch, will render the population indifferent 
to the evils of dear bread; and that a general distribution of constitu- 
tional plumb-cake will prevent the necessity of a recurrence to the 
doubtful measure of releasing the bonded corn. 
Measures of this national importance cannot, however, be lightly under- 
taken, and in starting such important schemes, it is absolutely necessary 
that some pledges should be given to the public for the loyalty and good 
faith of those who may assume the direction. To satisfy all anxiety on 
this point, and to prevent cavillings as to any secret intentions of pro- 
moting sectarian doctrines in cooxery, analogous to those theological 
errors to be dreaded from the new London University, or respecting 
the smuggling in of Popery in a water zouchy or an oyster soup, it is 
proposed that in all corporate jurisdictions, nothing shall be done with- 
out the inspection and concurrence of the civic authorities; and that in 
small towns the parochial clergy, more especially if in the commission of 
the peace, shall have a veto in the proceedings; while in the metropolis 
a permanent board, acting under the sanction of Parliament, and con- 
sisting of dignitaries of the established church, the heads of collegiate 
houses, the twelve judges, his Majesty’s serjeant cook and the “artiste” 
of the United Service Club, shall sit as a“ juré dégustateur” upon every 
distinct dish that shall be offered to public approbation. At the same 
time it shall be further provided, that the Lord High Chancellor for the 
time being, relieved from the pressure of Equity cases by the new bill 
for reforming his court, shall have the sole responsibility of collating to 
vacant kitchens, and of granting injunctions against dishes subversive of 
the public morals, provided always, that he comes to a decision in time 
to prevent the spoiling of the dinner. Subservient to the same end, it 
is hoped that the worthy member for Galway will turn his legislative 
sagacity to putting a stop to the growing inhumanities of the old school 
cooks, by making the opening of live oysters a capital felony, (though, 
indeed, if forcibly entering a dwelling-house by night, and with an intent 
to steal, constitute burglary, it may be doubted whether this be not 
already the law of the land). He will also be requested to look into the 
barbarous inflictions upon animals, heretofore too common, under the de- 
nomination of over-roastings and under-boilings, and more especially to 
