WHAT DO POLKS LAUGH AT? 31 



cockney tour by proceeding to Heme Bay, per steam. I was put in re- 

 collection of this mode of travelling, and the place, by watching the 

 steam slowly curling from the urn at breakfast-time. It was one of those 

 delicious mornings termed "a doctor's real friend," when the streets at 

 the east end of London are found ankle deep in a kind of pea-soup, tick- 

 ets for which may be had gratis : the rain came misseling down, and the 

 east wind, in slight pufls, just kindly wafted it into my cabriolet as I drove 

 from Cornhill to the place of embarkation. However, I had " made up 

 my mind " to go, (a kind of bolstering up) let the weather be what it 

 would. I soon arrived at the steam-packet wharf, and stepped aboard the 

 " Red Rover," which seemed, from the colour of its breath, to be rather a 

 black one. We cut the waters of old father Thames, and dashed through 

 England's hoard of riches : — "Ships, Colonies, and Commerce," muttered 

 I to myself, used to be great Buonaparte's toast ; but now, in these milk- 

 sop reforming times, they oppress our shipping, throw away our colonies, 

 and damn our commerce! — A truce to politic*, I did not leave Jermyn 

 Street, to hinder my digestion by studying political economy. Hearing 

 from the cabin (whither the rain had forced me) " the band" attempting 

 to play " Rule Britannia, " I immediately guessed that we must be off 

 Greenwich, so I sallied forth to gaze upon that fine monument of British 

 glory and philanthropy. The rain had nearly ceased : but I had scarcely 

 placed my foot on the last stair ere I heard a sound which made me stare ; 

 guess of my infinite joy, to find " softly o'er my senses stealing," a me- 

 lodious " ho-ho-ho-ho-hoov." I hastily turned round ; there, under the 

 lee of the paddle box, sat a mountain of fat, labouring in its laughter as 

 much as the paddle beneath it — actually, the flakes of gross substance on 

 either side of its pug nose, quivered like a jelly. I am certain it Vi^as im- 

 possible for this animal's eyes to have doubled its promontory sufficiently 

 to discern the top-boots which decorated its handsome legs. "He, he, he — 

 la. Pa, is that here Green-vicht," shouted a little fellow by his side, who 

 might very properly have been called mole-hiU. "Yes, dear, that's the 

 Horsepittle, and them men in blue coats and three-cornered hats, like 

 raspberry-tarts, turned up at the hedges, are the practitioners," replied a 

 raw-boned, tight-skinned woman, who was dealing out porter and polo- 

 nies to her comfortable coterie. I fell into one of my reveries (compan- 

 ions of my genius, or disease) u])on the enjoyments of my near neigh- 

 bours, who, I am glad to say, whilst plunging into their capacious maws 

 great lumps of grease, and draughts of muddy water, were wise enough 

 to hold their tongues, lest they should bite them. However, I was not 

 long left to my musings, for no sooner were the porter and polonies re- 

 duced into something like their original stale, than my longing and elon- 

 gating ears were again saluted with the man mountain's "ho-ho-ho-ho," 

 followed l)y the "he-he-he-he," and "ha-ha-ha-ha — haa" of the old 

 woman (" lady" — so the steward called her), and a stranger nightingale, 

 who had joined the group with a "hi-hi-ho-hoop — buzs-buzs — hi-hi-ho- 

 hoop — buss-buss." I could stand this no longer : so going up to the 

 mortal, I accosted him with, "I hope you will excuse me. Sir, but you 

 seem very merry; perhaps you will allow me to partake in the joke — 

 what might you be laughing at ?" " Oh ! nothing. Sir, nothing !" replied 

 the monster, in a growling tone. "The devil you wern't !" ejaculated I. 

 " No, Sir, nothing-, — { Ijkcs to laugh at nothing, sometimes, it mf^kes a 



