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THE MEANS OF IMPROVING THE PEOPLE. 



CONSERVATIVE POSTULATE. 



Do they need improvement ? No, say the Tories, they are very well 

 as they are. Good machines, very good machines, to work for us — but 

 not for themselves. Fire is a good servant, but a bad master — so are 

 the people. That is, the common herd, the canaille are dregs, — the 

 scum, the froth, the rakmgs and scrapings of the road we walk upon ; 

 put them in red, they are good tools for tyrants to cast away, to whip 

 at the halbert, to shoot and be shot at, for tenpence a day. Put them 

 in hlue, they will regulate the swinish cloffer clow — the poor devils that 

 do good by stealth, and blush to find it fame. They will make war 

 upon apple-carts of a Sunday, and upon cobblers upon Saint Monday, — 

 wUl smash iron-hoops, stop peg in the ring, upset the waiter, and safely 

 lodge those who mingle — 



" Black spirits and white, red spirits an<l gray, 

 With their dull bits of bodies made up of cold clay. 

 Put them in black, or like magpies dress them ; 

 They'll preach and they'll pray all night, heaven bless them." 



But the people themselves — have they minds ? That was a mistake in 

 providence — the gift of language is an inconvenience. Why were they 

 not without mouths .'' it would have saved the making of tongues and 

 stomachs, and much valuable time now employed in eating and drinking, 

 might have been spent in hard work. Could we have arranged the 

 universe, we would have managed better, and have reduced the science 

 of government to a fraction. It is a pity the people have souls, it gives 

 us a deal of trouble : they never take any care of them, tee have to do 

 it ; besides, they break all the laws that ive make, and are always finding 

 fault with every thing. Improve them — yes, this would be the way to 

 improve them and to make them happy. Take away their souls — eight 

 millions a year would be saved, now paid for expounding the scriptures, 

 and two millions spent in printing them : take away their mouths — 

 seventy -fivemillions of meals (for the creatures will eat three times a-day,) 

 would be saved, and goodness knows how many pots of beer and glasses 

 of gin. Take away their minds, they would not always be trying to 

 think — which they never can do correctly — nor bothering themselves 

 about things that are too high for them. What do they want to think 

 for ? Do they ever do any good by thinking ? And what does the 

 elaboration of their thoughts amount to, after all, — why, Public opinion, 

 a dangerous, mischievovs, awkward, saucy, impertinent, impudent, pro- 

 lific, awful supernumerary — think, nonsense ! are We not paid for think- 

 ing. Then, what need of education, or mechanics' Institutes, or young 

 men's societies, or mutual instruction parties, or aught besides to make 

 them. The people are very well of tliemselvcs, and would have no more 

 propensity for thinking, than bacon curiously cured by the Westphalia 



