[ 390 ] [Oct. 



prose by a versifier, and veese by a proseb ; a gentle- 

 man whose time hangs heavy on his hands : no. i. on 



SNEEZING, PREDESTINATION, AND ST. MARGARET's CHURCH. 



I SHALL write a book — that point is settled — you may remark that I 

 say " I shall," not " I will/' for I am a fatalist, or predestinarian, and 

 towards the end of my book I intend to justify the faith which is in me ; 

 by the way — I may as well do so now, it will afford a happy specimen 

 of my style of reasoning, and create an instantaneous impression in my 

 favour. 



On Sneezing and Free- Will. 



Sneezing is an act which cannot be justified on any sound principle, 

 nor have I been able to discover, within the compass of my reading, 

 that any reward or profit is annexed to it ; now, it is surely unreasonable 

 to suppose, that if we were possessed of free-will, we would all concur 

 in the commission of an unjustifiable act, and tl;is, too, without profit, 

 fee, or reward. , . . ■ 



The sceptic may maintain, that herein we cannot be said to sin against 

 our will, inasmuch as sneezing, in most cases, follows by virtue of a kind 

 o£vis consequenlia', the voluntary act of taking snuff: now, not to men- 

 tion that the exception proves, the rule, and that taking snuff is not 

 always a voluntary act, for when passing a snuff manufactory, we inhale 

 the titillating powder, nulens volcns, I would remind the benighted 

 doubter, that the uneducated savage, who for the first time takes a pinch 

 of snuff, is an involuntary agent in the consequences which ensue, 

 namely, the titillation of the nose, the screwing up of the eyes, the 

 puckering of the mouth, and, finally, the explosive sneeze ; these are the 

 effects of a hidden, but irresistible agency, by whose awful power his 

 actions are swayed : this power I call Predestination— the sceptic calls it 

 snuff. 



Should any of ye remain so stupidly obstinate as not to assent to the 

 truth of the conclusion I have arrived at, hear what the learned and 

 pious Calvin says : " But those who still seek for free-will in man, are 

 plainly guilty of folly, so that they reach neither heaven nor earth." 

 Calv. De Occid. Dei. — Will this satisfy ye } 



Laughter is a sign of folly, at least fools say so, and they are the best 

 judges in their own case; tlierefore, never laugh; when you feel the fit 

 approaching, suck in your cheeks: this is an infalHble preventive; 

 besides, it will in time give you a marked expression of countenance. 



I never approach Westminster Abbey through Parliament Street, that 

 I do not wish from my heart that IVIartin the incendiary, who made a 

 bonfire of York Cathedral, Avas placed at my disposal for a single night, 

 that I might get him to burn St. ]\Iargaret's ChVirch. There it stands, 

 right between you and tlie Abbey, not merely blotting out from your 

 view so much of the building as it intercepts by its actual bulk, but 

 marring the effect of the whole, hurting your eye by its incongruous and 

 impertinent intrusion, tlirusting itself between you and your reverential 

 meditations, like a pigstye before a palace ; like a pert waiting-maid 

 from Savage Gardens, before the throne of a Gothic queen ; like a prig 

 standing on tip-toe before a patriarch; like one of Nash's trimnphal 

 arches before the Parthenon ; hke an adumbration of Buckingham Folly, 



