644 Memoirs of a Bashful Irishman. [Dkc. 



young zealot to whom I had been some hours betrothed^ that I could not 

 do less than acknowledge the compliment. This was promptly done 

 by my bribing two servants of the nunnery to baptize him in a hot-se- 

 pondj while I stood by and condoled Avith him on the catastrophe, at 

 the same time lamenting my inability to render him more effectual 

 assistance. 



Early the next morning he sent a message requesting to see me, intend- 

 ing doubtless to reward me for my commiseration. People of less modesty 

 than myself would at once have availed themselves of this opportunity of 

 securing a recompence : I, however, contented myself with the con- 

 sciousness of having done a good action, and set off betimes to the sea- 

 coast, where I was lucky enough to secure a berth in a vessel then on the 

 eve of sailing for England. Had it not been for this injudicious diffi- 

 dence, I should no doubt have got into favour with the Frenchman ; for 

 scarcely had the vessel put to sea, when a squadron of his regiment came 

 galloijing furiously down to the beach, but, finding that they were too 

 late to communicate with me, bui'st into a paroxysm of extempore impre- 

 cations—an ebullition of excessive gratitude, for which I shall never 

 think otherwise than respectfully of them. 



After a tedious voyage, I reached Portsmouth, and put up at the Blue 

 Posts, healthy in person, but diseased in purse. And here I may observe 

 — though the remark, I am assured, is not altogether original — that want 

 of money is peculiarly inconvenient at an hotel. Scarcely had my fourth 

 dinner — a repast to which I am fondly attached— evanished in the Cha- 

 rybdis of my thorax, when, with many bows, the landlord, who had a 

 little bill to make up next day, presented me witli my account, adding 

 thereto a request that 1 would immediately discharge it. It has been my 

 lot through life to meet with much incivility ; but I think I never 

 encountered vulgarity equal to this application. It was so abrupt — so 

 cutting — so inhospitable, that for a time it took away my breath. 

 In a few minutes, however, I recovered my serenity, and gravely bid the 

 uncourteous publican go and get me change for a fifty pound note. This 

 he promised faithfully to do; but, as he was a most unconscionable time 

 about it, I withdrew in despair from his inn. I was always of .a hasty 

 temperament. 



On quitting the Blue Posts, I made at once for London, which I 

 reached in capital health, but with a large hole in my shoe. Luckily, in 

 passing along the Strand, I chanced to fiiU in with an old Gal way friend, 

 who held a dignified situation on the London press, and by whose per- 

 suasions I was induced to try my hand as Manufacturer of Accidents for 

 the newspapers. In this capacity, I invented the most touching catas- 

 trophes imaginable. Scarcely a day passed but ]\Irs. Tomkins and her 

 only daughter fell from a one-horse chaise into an area in Bedford or 

 Russell Squares ; or Mv. Sibthorpe, a stout gentleman of sixty, with a 

 wig and six children, broke his neck by stumbUng up against an orange- 

 pip, which some Blue-Coat-School-boy had inconsiderately left upon the 

 pavement. My " Phenomena" were equally creditable to my invention. 

 The daily papers abounded in accounts of extraordinary gooseberries, 

 which measured five inches round the waist ; of Irish potatoes, on which 

 could be clearly traced the Avords " Daniel O'Connell ;" of three children 

 born impromptu at a birth ; of a Swiss giant exhibiting at Paris, with 

 the calf in front of his leg ; of goats with two beards, sheep with five 

 legs, and cows with half a tail, 



