G50 Memoirs of a Bashful Irishman. ^Dec. 



Of course I had my full share of the general penury. PJoney I never 

 expected ; it was enough for me, if my patients would consent to pay 

 me in pigs, poultry, cattle, potatoes, and so forth ; but even these I 

 rarely obtained, so irreguler were the notions of the village on the sub- 

 ject of debtor and creditor. 



But brighter days were in store for me. After trying, without suc- 

 cess, a variety of original nostrums, I at length hit upon one which pro- 

 cured me immediate notoriety. I allude to my Elixir Vitas, or infallible 

 resuscitating balsam, a medicine which was compounded, in nearly equal 

 portions, of bark, brick-dust, gin and gunpowder, boiled over a slow 

 fire, and tinctured with Scotch snuff. This inestimable specific brought 

 a world of patients to my shop. The bark was of so bracing a nature^ 

 the brick-dust so cleansing, the gin so soothing, the gunpowder so stimu- 

 lating in its effects, that no matter what the disorder might be, one in- 

 gredient or the other was sure to remove it. Now and then, indeed, it was 

 my lot to lose a patient: and once, I remember, an old farmer died before he 

 had well finished his fourth draught; but these were particular cases, 

 and in which it was satisfactorily proved that I had been called in too 

 late. It must be confessed, however, that, in the hurry of business, 

 I was sometimes apt to make mistakes, and, in one memorable instance, 

 administered to a Newfoundland dog, a blue pill intended fiar his master, 

 the rector ; but as the poor animal never discovered the mistake, it was 

 not my business to expose it. On another occasion, I Avill not deny that 

 I made up an anodyne for the parish clerk's blind mare, which, by a 

 singulai' inadvertency on the part of the bearer, the old gentleman him- 

 self was persuaded to swallow, and for which he would have paid the 

 forfeit of his life, had 1 not discovered the blunder in time, and success- 

 fully administered two drachms of a laxative syrup of saw-dust. 



Among the number of my patients was a red-faced little exciseman, whose 

 countenance, whenever he stooped to tie his shoe strings, made a point of 

 looking like a mulberry. This annoyed him exceedingly, for he fancied 

 himself an Adonis, and accordingly applied to me for relief, who at once 

 prescribed copious doses of the Elixir, together with periodical blood- 

 lettings. Unfortunately, his disease was beyond the power of medicine ; 

 for notwithstanding he took a hearty draught every day, and was bled 

 at least three times a week, he grew gradually but perceptibly worse. 

 The gunpowder, I rather suspect, disagreed with him, inasmuch as he 

 went off one morning like a shot, after having taken it twice during the 

 night in powders. 



Another of my patients was an attorney, a nervous man, though im- 

 pudent, and much disliked in the neighboui'hood. He, too, for a time, 

 derived benefit from my Elixir, and was even fast advancing towards 

 a perfect recovery, when he broke his leg by a f;dl from a stage- 

 coach. Amputation was the inevitable result — a job which I was called 

 in to perform, and which I went through with such surprising dexte- 

 rity, that notlxing was wanting to make it a complete affair, except that 

 the patient happened to die diu'ing the operation. His death was 

 laid to my account, but, singularly enough, so far from injuring, it did 

 me incalculable service. I was looked on as a sort of Brutus, who had 

 destroyed the village Caesar ; and though, with all humility, I declined 

 the flattering distinction, yet my neighbours still persisted in giving me 

 the credit of the assassination. In the excess of their gratitude they 

 even went so far as to propose purchasing me a piece of plate, on which 



