MISCELLANEOUS ESSAYS. 



439 



rise higher in offence, we ascend 

 through the various degrees of frac- 

 tures simple and compound up to 

 the trepan, or lithotomy. 



Methinks I hear the recorder 

 passing sentence at the conclusion 

 of an Old Bailey sessions in this 

 manner : 



" You John Glim, have been 

 guilty of house-breaking ; it only 

 remains for me that I pronounce the 

 sentence of the law, which is, that 

 you be taken from hence to sur- 

 geons'-hall, in Lincoln's-inn-fields, 

 in the city of Westminster, and 

 county of Middlesex, and there be 

 cut for a fistula." 



" You, Thomas Vagrant, have 

 been found guilty of stealing pri- 

 vately. The sentence of the law 

 is that your right hand should be cut 

 off; but the court, in consideration 

 of your having a numerous family, 

 whom you maintain by your pro- 

 fession as a ballad-singer, hath been 

 pleased to remit that part of your 

 .sentence, and orders that you be 

 qualified for the opera house." 



This, sir, would alter the face 

 of things in Newgate ; instead of 

 rioting, drinking, and swearing, 

 which are too much to be heard in 

 all our jails, we should hear no- 

 thing but groans, and screams, and 

 the direful operation of boluses and 

 juleps. The Newgate Calendar 

 then would be a list of cases of sur- 

 gery ; and the keeper, if he found 

 a prisoner refractory, might easily 

 procure such advice from the first 

 surgeon in the neighbourhood, as 

 would effectually prevent his run- 

 ning away. 



Upon highwaymen, footpads, and 

 all such blood-thirsty fellow.s, I 

 would have tlie various kinds of 

 styptics tried ; experiments might 

 also be made with gun-shot wounds. 



a species of retaliation which would 

 admirably serve the purposes of sci- 

 ence and justice. As to crimes 

 committed in a stale of intoxica- 

 tion ; for the lesser species, a cour.se 

 of quack medicines might probably 

 be severe enough ; but for the more 

 atrocious, it would be absolutely 

 necessary to punish by tapping. 

 Not that I mean that the sentence of 

 thejudge should be definitive. Al- 

 leviating circumstances ought still 

 to appeal to the fountain of mercy, 

 and in cases where the jury strongly 

 recommended to mercy, his ma- 

 j esty would no doubt remit the trocar 

 or the bistoury, as might seem fit. 

 Very heinous offences committed 

 by females might be punished by 

 operations incident to the sex, such 

 as experiments on the nervous sys- 

 tem, on the tongue, &c. or perhaps 

 the ccesarian operation might be or- 

 dered in lieu of hanging; and if we 

 may believe some professional men 

 who have lately tried that operation 

 it would not amount to much more 

 than a respite for a week ! 



As to petty offences, bleeding 

 and tooth-drawing would in gene- 

 ral be sufHcient, and perhaps as 

 good for the morals as beating 

 hemp and blaspheming; or the 

 apothecaries might be permitted to 

 try the effect of some new-invented 

 medicine. I fancy I shall some day 

 or other read in the newspaper 

 a paragraph like the following. 



" Yesterday three men and a wo- 

 man were brought before the lord 

 mayor, for getting drunk and ma- 

 king a riot in a public-house at un- 

 seasonable hours; but, on their 

 making a handsome apology for 

 their conduct, and promising to 

 behave better in future, his lord- 

 ship was pleased to order that 

 each should take a box of Doctor 



