176 Life of the Duchess of Newcastle 



servant ; but this affection will take no root, but where I 

 think or find merit, and have leave both from divine and moral 

 laws. Yet I find this passion so troublesome, as it is the only- 

 torment of my life, for fear any evil misfortune or accident, 

 or sickness, or death, should come unto them, insomuch as I 

 am never freely at rest. Likewise I am grateful, for I never 

 received a courtesy — but I am impatient and troubled until 

 I can return it. Also I am chaste, both by nature, and edu- 

 cation, insomuch as I do abhor an unchaste thought. Like- 

 wise, I am seldom angry, as my servants may witness for me, 

 for I rather choose to suffer some inconveniences than disturb 

 my thoughts, which makes me wink many times at their 

 faults ; but when I am angry, I am very angry, but yet it is 

 soon over, and I am easily pacified, if it be not such an injury 

 as may create a hate. Neither am I apt to be exceptious or 

 jealous, but if I have the least symptom of this passion, I 

 declare it to those it concerns, for I never let it lie smothering 

 in my breast to breed a malignant disease in the mind, which 

 might break out into extravagant passions, or railing speeches, 

 or indiscreet actions ; but I examine moderately, reason 

 soberly, and plead gently in my own behalf, through a desire 

 to keep those affections I had, or at least thought to have. 

 And truly I am so vain, as to be so self-conceited, or so natur- 

 ally partial, to think my friends have as much reason to love 

 me as another, since none can love more sincerely than I, and 

 it were an injustice to prefer a fainter affection, or to esteem 

 the body more than the mind. Likewise I am neither spiteful, 

 envious, nor malicious. I repine not at the gifts that Nature 

 or Fortune bestows upon others, yet I am a great emulator ; 

 for, though I wish none worse than they are, yet it is lawful 

 for me to wish myself the best, and to do my honest endeavour 

 thereunto. For I think it no crime to wish myself the exactest 

 of Nature's works, my thread of life the longest, my chain of 

 destiny the strongest, my mind the peaceablest, my life the 

 pleasantest, my death the easiest, and the greatest saint in 

 heaven ; also to do my endeavour, so far as honour and 

 honesty doth allow of, to be the highest on Fortune's wheel 

 and to hold the wheel from turning, if I can. And if it be com- 

 mendable to wish another's good, it were a sin not to wish my 

 own ; for as envy is a vice, so emulation is a virtue, but emu- 

 lation is in the way to ambition, or indeed it is a noble ambition. 



