Life of the Duchess of Newcastle 177 



But I fear my ambition inclines to vain-glory, for I am very 

 ambitious ; yet 'tis neither for beauty, wit, titles, wealth, or 

 power, but as they are steps to raise me to Fame's tower, which 

 is to live by remembrance in after-ages. Likewise I am that 

 the vulgar call proud, not out of self-conceit, or to slight or 

 condemn any, but scorning to do a base or mean act, and dis- 

 daining rude or unworthy persons ; insomuch, that if I should 

 find any that were rude, or too bold, I should be apt to be so 

 passionate, as to affront them, if I can, unless discretion should 

 get betwixt my passion and their boldness, which sometimes 

 perchance it might if discretion should crowd hard for place. 

 For though I am naturally bashful, yet in such a cause my 

 spirits would be all on fire. Otherwise I am so well bred, as 

 to be civil to all persons, of all degrees, or qualities. Likewise 

 I am so proud, or rather just to my Lord, as to abate nothing 

 of the quality of his wife, for if honour be the mark of merit, 

 and his master's royal favour, who will favour none but those 

 that have merit to deserve, it were a baseness for me to neglect 

 the ceremony thereof. Also in some cases I am naturally 

 a coward, and in other cases very valiant. As for example, if any 

 of my nearest friends were in danger I should never consider my 

 life in striving to help them, though I were sure to do them 

 no good, and would willingly, nay cheerfully, resign my life 

 for their sakes : likewise I should not spare my life, if honour 

 bids me die. But in a danger where my friends, or my honour 

 is not concerned, or engaged, but only my life to be unprofit- 

 ably lost, I am the veriest coward in nature, as upon the sea, 

 or any dangerous places, or of thieves, or fire, or the like. 

 Nay the shooting of a gun, although but a pot-gun 1 , will make 

 me start, and stop my hearing, much less have I courage to 

 discharge one ; or if a sword should be held against me, al- 

 though but in jest, I am afraid. Also as I am not covetous, 

 so I am not prodigal, but of the two I am inclining to be pro- 

 digal, yet I cannot say to a vain prodigality, because I imagine 

 it is to a profitable end ; for perceiving the world is given, or apt 

 to honour the outside more than the inside, worshipping show 

 more than substance ; and I am so vain (if it be a vanity) as to 

 endeavour to be worshipped, rather than not to be regarded. Yet 

 I shall never be so prodigal as to impoverish my friends, or go 

 beyond the limits or facility of our estate. And though I desire 



1 Pop-gun. 



A A 



