1905I Valley of the Shadow of Death 1 19 



not understand my ways. In my wanderings from room to room I had 

 sunk into the big high-backed chair which stands in the hall, and she, 

 thinking I should rest awhile, had left me there. After a while I fell 

 as I have described into a momentary unconsciousness, and in the same 

 instant awoke with a pain so great that I howled aloud, and the sweat 

 ran from me in streams. It was to me then as to a wild beast in a 

 trap, caught by its steel teeth and held a prisoner, which knows that 

 it cannot escape its doom. I could not move, I could do nothing for 

 myself. I had an absolute certainty that all for me was over. " No 

 man," I said to myself, " ever came back from a depth of physical 

 despair so deep as this and lived." The nurse came to me with some 

 conventional words of inquiry, and anger seized me, and I cursed her 

 for a fool. The anger gave me strength to stamp my foot and rise. 

 I think it saved my life. 



With my nurse Lawrence it was otherwise. Her handling soothed 

 me. She would take me sometimes to the room on the ground floor 

 which had been Cowie's, and where she died. I used to imagine that 

 there my pain was easier. But I was mad with the pain and the drugs, 

 and the long lack of sleep. It was accepted by all then that I could 

 not recover, and Dr. Haig, who had been brought to me by Judith 

 for an opinion, gave me not three days to live. All thought my lungs 

 were affected, and my weakness was such that it seemed to me at 

 times that a single cough would have been my end. It would have 

 shattered and destroyed me. Nevertheless I did not die, though emerg- 

 ing as one who had passed through the Valley of the Shadow of 

 Death. 



" 8th July. — I have been again to London to try and get relief 

 from pain by Swedish treatment, and have seen many friends who 

 have come to me in Chapel Street. George has given me an in- 

 teresting account of the difficulty the Government finds in keeping 

 George Curzon in order. He was very near bringing on an Afghan 

 War, but was prevented. He resents having a nonentity like Brodrick 

 placed over him at the India Office, but Brodrick is backed by the 

 Cabinet." 



From this time till the 20th of May the pain I have described 

 continued, and then I went down to Newbuildings. Almost the only 

 entry is of 28th July. 



" The great event transcending all others is that Mohammed Abdu 

 is dead ! A terrible personal loss to me, and a public one quite incal- 

 culable for the world of Islam. We cannot help fearing there has been 

 foul play, as the death was very sudden, and the Mufti had many 

 political enemies." 



On the 20th of September I was moved to Brighton, where I gradually 

 recovered the power of sleep, and began to find life tolerable, though 



