1879 



GLEANINGS IN BEE CULTURE. 



109 



meetings that Avere then being held, and 

 would probably join the church. I inwardly 

 resolved to break this up, and when I saw 

 her little hymn book, a few days after, with 

 her name on it in gilt letters, I opened it ;is 

 if by accident, and began turning it into rid- 

 icule. I believed in religion, too ; oh, yes; 

 but the God of nature was much more sen- 

 sible than any conception of human minds. 

 I never saw the hymn book afterward, and I 

 never heard any more about her joining the 

 church, although I may not, at this time, 

 have had anything, especially, to do with it. 

 I tell you. my friends, the God of nature sel- 

 dom blocks' the way of wicked men's 

 schemes, as does the God we are told of in 

 the Bible. Her mother died while she was a 

 small child, and her father's death occurred 

 Avhile she AA'as in my employ. He was a 

 good, warm friend of mine, and during Ins 

 illness advised his daughter to remain with 

 me. as he felt 1 Avas a man who could be 

 trusted. The thought of this sometimes 

 troubled me, but Avhenever these thoughts 

 came no, I stilled them by remembering 

 that I did not believe in any' hereafter, and 

 that there was nothing to fear from men 

 Avho Avere dead and gone. Does it make 

 your blood run cold, dear reader, to hear me 

 speak in this way? It made my blood run 

 cold a great many times, to think of where I 

 was tending, but I got steeled and hardened, 

 as the years passed. 



We studied botany, chemistry, microscopy, 

 and kindred sciences, and read together, 

 sometimes with my wife present, and some- 

 times not : of tener the latter. The God of 

 nature Avas a great deal better than a God 

 Avho pricks peoples' consciences, and my zeal 

 for science Avas often a most convenient 

 cloak to cover other things. I insisted on 

 her coming to our house Sundays, that Ave 

 might study bees with the microscope. We 

 commenced reading Dickens, at such times. 

 Dickens Avas our favorite author, and his 

 clips at religion, his accounts of love to hu- 

 manity, without any God or Bible in it, I 

 used to relish hugely. One can cry over lus 

 touching delineations, and go to bed at night 

 and sleep soundly, even though his wife's 

 sobs, that come from a heart that is break- 

 ing, do shake the bed unpleasantly. Did no 

 one remonstrate? Yes; my father, mother, 

 brothers, and sisters remonstrated; commu- 

 nity remonstrated, in the shape of talk that 

 Avas going about; but all parties Avere so 

 AA'ell known and respectable, it Avas soon 

 dropped. I was such a good, moral man ! 

 and so liberal to all benevolent enterprises ! 

 I- surely could be doing nothing out of the 

 Avay ! I remember one of my favorite topics 

 about this time Avas gossips, and people who 

 did not mind their own business. Commu- 

 nity were thieves and liars ; they would rob 

 a man or woman of their fair' name, and 

 drag them out before the world when they 

 AA T ere entirely innocent, and had done noth- 

 ing at all nothing at nil ! 



My friends, I now thank God for gossips. 

 People ought to talk, and I do not believe 

 they often talk without a reason. When I 

 feared not God, ] feared public opinion; 1 

 dodged and twisted and prevaricated in a 

 most pitiful way. Avhen the wholesome rod 



AA-as held over me. [ Avas not Avithout skill, 

 hoAvever. I fortified myself for the approach 

 of ministers and good people, and I could 

 talk religion, Avhen I chose, in a way that 

 humbugged more than one of my good 

 friends. Satan gave me a sort of brazen im- 

 pudence that had a very fair semblance of 

 the real coin, and I learned to look a man in 

 the eye, with perfect coolness, and declare I 

 knew of no duty on earth I had left unper- 

 formed. I had said this, and that I had no 

 belief in a hereafter, so much, that I came, in 

 one sense, honestly to believe it. I Avas an 

 honest skeptic. 



One rainy Sunday. I was obliged to ride 

 all day long in a caboose car; in looking for 

 books, I found only a patent medicine alma- 

 nac and a Bible. I first read one, and then 

 the other. I tried honestly to find some- 

 thing in the Bible that was sense, because 

 my mother had talked to me so much about 

 it. I read every word of the almanac, but I 

 could not find a word of sense in the Bible. 

 It was dumb to me, like Christ before Pi- 

 late. 



Was I happy? Well, yes ; at times, 1 was 

 happy enough"; but there were times when 

 remorse made a hell here on earth that no 

 human pen Avill ever succeed in picturing. 

 I have counted the slow minutes, as I 

 groaned in agony. Then why not turn back, 

 and commence to do right? Ah ! yes ; why 

 not? That is just what I proposed to do; 

 but I soon found, to my sorrow, that Satan 

 has a purpose in all his work. The liberty 

 of thought and action that he so entrancing- 

 ly holds out, proves soon to be the veriest 

 slavery that ever humanity saw. Over and 

 over again I declared I would be honest and 

 truthful, and that I Avould from that mo- 

 ment turn over a new leaf, and do right. 

 Every good resolution was followed sooner 

 or later, by a humiliating downfall. I will 

 give you one instance. One Sunday, when 

 writhing under the stings of conscience, I 

 went out into the woods. I sat down and 

 meditated on the life I was wasting. I rose, 

 and raising my right hand, called on God 

 to witness— I didn't believe in any God, but 

 no matter — I called on God to witness, that 

 I, henceforth and forever, would be an hon- 

 est man, and a true husband to my wife and 

 father to my children. I would commence 

 that minute : and I do not know that I was 

 ever more earnest or honest, in my life. I 

 Avent straight home, to put my resolution in 

 practice. As I geared the house, a voice 

 caught my ear; and through the open door, 

 I caught a momentary glimpse of a summer 

 dress, and a foot that a careless attitude, 

 during the warm summer weather, had re- 

 vealed. A trilling thing; a very trifling 

 thing. I turned quickly and walked into the 

 garden. I went out behind the honey house, 

 and sat down. Satan stood over me. Oh! 

 my God, help a poor frail mortal, lint I did 

 not know any God; I had often declared 

 there was none. I was alone Avith Satan. 

 " You will break away from me, will you? 

 Let's see you do /'/.''* I did not believe in 

 any devil then, either. I only believed in 

 evil impulses. I told Evil Impulses, I Avould 

 follow where he led, and I do not know but 

 that I told him I Avould never try to get 



