1879 



GLEANINGS IN BEE CULTURE. 



151 



wanting by that dream, as effectually, as if 



it had been a reality. 



Lid I heed the warning ? ]STo. 



A worse trial was coming. One day, while 

 walking quietly along the street, I almost 

 shivered with terror, while some fiend whis- 

 pered that, it' my wife should die, no harm 

 would come to any one. and the world, which 

 I feared so much, would have nothing to 

 say. I would have torn the thought out of 

 my bosom and flung it from me, but there it 

 was. I tried not to think of anything so 

 horrible, for I loved my wife in spite of all 

 my wickedness, and my better nature insist- 

 ed that I would rather go into my own un- 

 worthy grave. than have a hair of her head 

 harmed. There the thoughts were, and 

 more kept coming; whenever I saw that 

 summer dress, they took courage, and 

 pushed farther their hideous forms. Is it 

 only intemperate men that see devils? Was 

 I crazy? You knew me all that time, and 

 were quite well acquainted with me ; I will 

 leave you to judge. The man who soaked 

 his store with coal oil and then set fire to it, 

 told me while in the jail, that when the 

 temptation first entered his head, he reject- 

 ed it with horror. Finally, without any in- 

 tention of doing a thing of that kind, he al- 

 lowed his thoughts to run in that channel, 

 just speculating how it might be done. 

 When he poured on the coal oil, he did not 

 really intend to do it, but thought he would 

 just go down cellar while he was thinking 

 about it, and took the can of oil up stairs, 

 without having decided to pour any on the 

 goods. I know as well as you, my friend, 

 that I am going down into horrible depths, 

 and that I am raking up things of the past 

 that might have died with me just as well 

 as not, but I tell you a physician cannot safe- 

 ly prescribe for a wound, until he knows all 

 about it. If this is insanity, and I rather 

 think it is what often leads to it, I hope to 

 be able to show you there is a remedy for in- 

 sanity. 



My friend in jail was tempted by the mon- 

 ey that rightly belonged to the insurance 

 companies, and planned a crime in obedi- 

 ence to Evil Impulses. He said he rebelled 

 in horror at the thoughts, when they first 

 presented themselves. Although I rebelled 

 in horror at the thought of leaving my poor 

 helpless innocent children motherless, my 

 mind would run on, in thoughts about those 

 around me whose wives had died ; the length 

 of time that public opinion demanded they 

 should remain single; how they should de- 

 port themselves after such an event; how 

 much sorrow and grief a man ought to show 

 to hide from the outside world the fact that 

 he was inwardly rejoicing. I thought then 

 of the freedom (may God forgive me for 

 even now making such an awful perversion 

 of this sacred word). I thought of the free- 

 dom I should have in overcoming the preju- 

 dices and demands of public opinion. I 

 have dragged before you these horrible de- 

 tails, because I wish you to know how much 

 a man may sin without doing anything par- 

 ticularly wrong in the eyes of man ; I wisli 

 to show you where crime germinates, and 

 what kind of seeds it springs from. Actions 

 very soon follow 7 , after thoughts like these. 



I remember coming home one evening and 

 my wife was standing with the baby by the 

 gate. I had been doing better of late, and 

 as I saw her cheerful look of welcome, and 

 heard the lisped "Papa" of the little one, up 

 before me came the thought, that I had been 

 wishing to see her dear form cold and silent 

 in the coffin. I mentally groaned in agony. 

 "Take me, O God, take me a thousand times, 

 but spare that innocent woman, who is, at 

 this minute, the very best and dearest friend 

 I have on earth." So I was not so very bad 

 after all. My friends will say so, and I had 

 such a thought then. But trying me with a 

 dream, it seems, was not enough, and so (-Jod 

 gave me a trial that came nearer reality. 

 My wife was taken very sick. It was said 

 she might not get well. I tried to feel sorry, 

 and tried to persuade myself that I did. I 

 tried not to hope she would not get well, but 



instead only came a wild thrill of it may 



be such a feeling as the fiends call joy, when 

 they welcome a soul to the bottomless pit. I 

 made up my mind to spare no expense. I 

 would even go to Cleveland for the best 

 medical aid, for I did not want to feel, ever 

 after, that I had not done my duty ; most of 

 all, I did not want people to say I had been 

 in any way remiss. I feared my own town's 

 people more than I feared God. Please bear 

 this in mind; we shall come to it again. 



If anybody was owing me, and I pressed 

 them for payment, they had only to hint at 

 my weakness, and I forgave them the debt. 

 About this time, I had criticized friend Moon 

 in regard to the Bee World pretty severely ; 

 he made a threat in the next No., that I un- 

 derstood quite well, even if others did not, 

 and I took pains to speak well of the Bee 

 World after that. When Mitchell was put 

 in the Humbugs and Swindles for black- 

 mailing the people in regard to his false 

 claim on division boards, he, too, poor fel- 

 low, judging by past events, thought to si- 

 lence me by what appears on the last page 

 of his circular. He did not know, perhaps, 

 that the man who once feared public opin- 

 ion and the truth, had learned to fear God 

 only, and was willing to stand in any place 

 where God asked him to, without fear or 

 trembling, as far as he himself was con- 

 cerned, at the prospect of having all his past 

 life come out. 



There came a new minister to our place. 

 By accident, I was present and heard his 

 first sermon. He was quite young, and 

 seemed so boyish, that he enlisted my sym- 

 pathies at the first. Of course, he thought 

 he was right, and it was evident that he was 

 trying to do the best he could. From my 

 standpoint of superior wisdom, I was a little 

 inclined to laugh at his gravity and earnest- 

 ness, when he knew so little compared with 

 us skeptics. You may think after what I 

 have been telling you, that I was a pretty 

 pattern of a man, to be setting himself upas 

 authority on anything, especially, the morals 

 of a community. Tins first sermon had 

 something in it about gamblers and bad men 

 who contribute largely to the building of 

 churches, and for the furthering of charita- 

 ble works. He said it amounted to nothing 

 at all in extenuation of their sins, and would 

 not count one iota, when the day of reckon- 



