1879 



GLEANINGS IN BEE CULTURE. 



153 



But when Satan would uot let me go, I 

 turned round and promised to follow his sug- 

 gestions. I had never used an oath before, 

 unless I was angry, but now I spoke aloud, 

 and, with an oath, declared I would do it. 

 The steps to be taken were all easy, for- 

 tune seemed to favor every move. Even 

 conscience was stilled. Sunday came.' I was 

 not going to meeting anymore, so I strayed 

 down in the green house watching the bees 

 as they flitted back and forth to their hives, 

 gathering meal. Towards noon, a sudden 

 lit took me to go to meeting again, after all. 

 My first step wa9 to go up and scold my wife 

 for not calling me, although L had told her I 

 was not going any more. She suggested it 

 was too late, but I declared I was going any 

 way. The house was crowded; I looked in 

 vain for a seat, near the door. As I passed 

 up the aisle, the minister stopped preaching, 

 while many eyes were turned on me as I 

 sought and" finally found a seat. I was very 

 angry again, at what I called a pointed in- 

 sult. 1 or all that, I caught one idea from a 

 little anecdote be told. 



A miner was sinking a shaft, and had got 

 a little way h^low the surface of the ground. 

 His little girl came out about nightfall, to 

 call him to supper. 



"Father, are you down there? I cannot 

 see you." 



"Yes, I am down here, and I can see you, 

 very plainly." 



"May I come down?" 



"Yes; jump, and I will catch you/' 



"But I can not see you at all. Do you 

 mean I shall jump right into that dark hole 

 with out seeing?" 



"Yes, jump right into the middle of the 

 dark hole. You can trust your father, even 

 though you do not see him. Shut your eyes, 

 and jump.' 1 



Of course she was safe in her father's 

 arms at once, for he would never ask his 

 child to do anything unsafe. The minister 

 said we were to have just that faith in God. 



Friday night came; Feb. 5th. 187-5. I can 

 only remember that the hands were all 

 gone home, that the curtains were all down, 

 and I was alone. I was angry, very angry, 

 with my partner about something, I do not 

 now remember what. I had been angry for 

 several days, and I could not put the idea of 

 revenge out of my mind. I was in a condi- 

 tion where I would not scruple at anything, 

 scarcely, and when I tried to put this feeling 

 away and feel kindly toward her, I could 

 not. There was an end coming some where. 

 Would that end be the penitentiary or some- 

 thing worse ? Crime was in my heart. You 

 may think I exaggerate. I have all my life 

 been in the habit of going to extremes, and 

 of doing with vehemence and energy what- 

 ever I set about. Such people are sure to do 

 evil, if they are not busy doing good. I 

 commenced walking about the room, and, 

 very likely, I walked around that stairway. 



I remember wondering why it was that 

 these evil passions Were swaying me, in a 

 way they did not in former years, and why 

 it was I could no longer curb my temper as 

 I used to do. I tried to put away these evil 

 thoughts and think of something'better, but 

 it was utterly beyond my power to do so. I 



reasoned that I was made so, and I could 

 not help it. If there was a God, he was to 

 blame for having made such an unwieldy 

 piece of humanity, and that inasmuch as I 

 had tried as hard as I could to be better, and 

 had not succeeded, the blame certainly was 

 not mine. 



My thoughts went back to my childhood 

 days, and I contemplated the wide abyss 

 that stretched between myself, an innocent 

 child, and the man I then was. What would 

 I give, O, what would I give, to be the same 

 light hearted child again! It can never be. 

 The years that have passed while I 

 have been slowly hardening can never be re- 

 called. Certainly none but God could give 

 back one's childhood. Did He care for the 

 creatures lie had made? Some being crea- 

 ted this earth ; some being must have done 

 so. Was it a being that cared what became 

 of the creation of his hand? O ! that such 

 were the case, that I might call on Him 

 now, and that he might listen ! 



I thought of the little girl who jumped in- 

 to the dark hole in the ground, in response 

 to her father's well known voice. She knew 

 his voice, and was not afraid. O ! that I 

 could be assured that there was a God, and 

 that I could have some "evidence that he re- 

 ally did care, whether I made a ruin of my 

 life or not ! I paused. Finally, I knelt on 

 the floor, and with bowed head, spoke aloud 

 my thoughts something as follows. 



"Will that Great Being, who created this 

 vast universe, and who saw fit to give me a 

 place in it — will that Being, if such there be, 

 give me evidence here to night, that he does 

 care for such unwieldy, wicked creatures as 

 I am, and that I am not entirely alone and 

 helpless, amid this world of temptation, 

 trial, and evil impulses." 



A strange peace stole over me, and a pres- 

 ence seemed near, which I had never felt 

 before. That presence seemed to speak, al- 

 though it was probably conscience speaking 

 strongly, and the idea that came out, clear 

 and strong, was, "My child, what would you 

 have? What boon do you crave?" 



I spoke aloud again, "I would have back 

 that childish innocence ; that freedom from 

 malice toward anybody or anything ; that 

 happy, trustful, contented mind, that I had 

 when standing at my mother's knee, back 

 in the dim years of the past." 



"And what will you give for this? What 

 price do you propose to pay?" said this new 

 presence. 



"All and every thing," said I. 



"Think," said the new presence. .And 

 I then began to consider my promise. My 

 life passed before me in review, as it dues 

 sometimes before one in falling. I very 

 soon came to the time when I raised my 

 hand in the woods, and called on God to 

 witness that I would be a better man. I 

 thought of my weakness and, sick at heart, 

 said aloud, 



"I cannot, I cannot; O God, I cannot." 



At this point, an idea struck me, that was 

 as unexpected, as it was inspiring. 



In all the sermons I had ever heard, Inev- 

 er even got a glimse of the idea that one had 

 not to fight these battles all alone. Minis- 

 ters may have tried to get the idea before 



