698 OLEOMARGARINE. 



jails enough to hold them. It will be like the Quaker's prayer when 

 the stars fell. He had not been very devout, and he fell on his knees 

 and said: "O, Lord, this do be the judgment day, and Thou knowest 

 that hell won't hold half of us." That is the way it would be. 

 [Laughter.] 



Now, they say that this butterine is a fraud. Gentlemen, I want to 

 draw a distinction between fraud and innocent deception. There can 

 be no fraud without injury. If a man comes to me and says, "Let me 

 have a $5 silver certificate," and instead of that I give him a $5 national- 

 bank note, I have deceived him, but I have not defrauded him. Then, 

 if butteriue is as pure as butter (and the fact is, it is much purer) and 

 a man's landlady fools him with it, all right; she has not hurt him. If 

 a man's wife fools him, all right; she has not hurt him. And she would 

 have to have as many lives as a cat in order to fool him in this innocent 

 way as many times as he fools her in one other way. 



Now. who is making this cry of fraud? Who is making it? Why, 

 when I was a boy I heard something to the effect that a man living in 

 a glass house should not hurl brickbats. For eight months in the year 

 every butter factory in the United States puts this coloring matter in. 

 Many of them put it in the whole year round. You can't have yellow 

 butter unless you have rich, green grasses. I know about that; I have 

 churned it. That used to be my business, too, when I was a boy. I 

 have churned it, I expect, nearly a thousand times. You can't have 

 yellow butter unless you have rich grasses, clover and alfalfa for the 

 cow to run on. Why, there are hundreds of dairies whose cows are 

 right in the cities, and never see a blade of grass. Those men, where 

 they are making genuine butter, color it twelve months in the year. 

 And any farmer colors it all during the eight months when the grass is 

 not green. 



Now, their proposition is, u Let us fool the people; let us fool them 

 for eight months in the year; but, for the Lord's sake, don't let these 

 other fellows fool them at all." That is the proposition. It is a pious 

 fraud, if a fraud at all, all around; nobody gets hurt. 



Now, if the Government is going to stop deception, the Government 

 is going to have its hands full. In the first place, if there is any mem- 

 ber of Congress who dyes his whiskers or his hair, he is a fraud, and 

 ought to be taken out and clipped. [Laughter.] Every time one of 

 you gentlemen goes to a bar, they hand you out beautiful red whisky, 

 and every bit of it came from the still as white as water. Maybe 

 you don't know what I am talking about; but if you don't, you can 

 send out and have the information gathered for your benefit. Why, 

 we smoked Havana cigars here the whole time, for three years, while 

 the Cuban insurrection and war was going on. Why, there was not a 

 blade of tobacco raised over there, and yet it had no appreciable effect 

 upon the supply of Havana tobaccos and cigars in the United States. 



Nearly all of us carry alligator grips. There they are; and if every 

 alligator that was ever killed was a mile wide, he couldn't furnish the 

 hide for those grips. 



All of you wear kangaroo shoes. I have a pair at home myself; and 

 there are probably a dozen poor little kangaroos about as big as a fice 

 dog killed once a year, and yet they supply shoes for the whole world. 



These are innocent deceptions. 1 want to show what the Govern- 

 ment will have on hand. 



We all eat canned goods. Did you ever sit down at the table and 

 have the good lady at the head tell you " These are canned pears," or 

 "These are canned cherries"? Never once in the world. Why, if we 



