Letters 1 7 



a pin for. I am sick of it and ashamed of having thought 

 so much of it, and the congratulations I get give me a sort 

 of internal sardonic grin. I think this has come about 

 partly because I did not get the official confirmation of what 

 I had heard for some days, and with my habit of facing 5 

 the ill side of things I came to the conclusion that Weld 

 had made a mistake, and I went in thought through the 

 whole enormous mortification of having to explain to 

 those to whom I had mentioned it that it was quite a 

 mistake. I found that all this, when I came to look at it, 10 

 was by no means so dreadful as it seemed quite bear- 

 able in short and then I laughed at myself and have 

 cared nothing about the whole concern ever since. In 

 truth I do not think that I am in the proper sense of the 

 word ambitious. I have an enormous longing after the 15 

 highest and best in all shapes a longing which haunts 

 me and is the demon which ever impels me to work, and 

 will let me have no rest unless I am doing his behests. 

 The honors of men I value so far as they are evidences 

 of power, but with the cynical mistrust of their judg- 20 

 ment and my own worthiness, which always haunts me, 

 I put very little faith in them. Their praise makes me 

 sneer inwardly. God forgive me if I do them any great 

 wrong. 



I feel and know that all the rewards and honors in the 25 

 world will ever be worthless for me as soon as they are 

 obtained. I know that always, as now, they will make 

 me more sad than joyful. I know that nothing that 

 could be done would give me the pure and heartfelt 

 joy and peace of mind that your love has given me, and, 30 

 please God, shall give for many a long year to come, and 

 yet my demon says work! work! you shall not even love 

 unless you work. 



Not blinded by any vanity, then; I hope, but viewing 



