386 



THE IRR1GA210N AGE. 



me to present you to Mr. Mark Twain.' 

 The last named advanced across the inter- 

 vening space and grasped the real 'Mark 

 Twain' cordially by the hand. "Believe 

 me, Mr. Clemens, I am delighted to meet 

 you at last,' he assured him earnestly. 

 'Throughout a long life I have been con- 

 stantly taken rather mistaken for you. 

 I am glad to meet you at last face to fac. 

 It is a privilege I had never expected to 

 experience. When you have done ill in 

 this world the blame has always rested on 

 my shoulders (which, thank God, are 

 broad enough to carry even that load.) 

 When I have done well, you have received 

 the credit.' And then the tumult broke 

 forth. Of course, it was a hoax. The 

 few who knew that Twain would be late 

 had taken advantage of that fact, and had 

 rung in a substitute. A fellow member 

 had been so cleverly made up to look like 

 Twain, and had so thoroughly enacted his 

 part, that for a full two hours he had fooled 

 a number of the cleverest men in Boston. 

 Many of those present knew Twain well, 

 and one or two were intimate friends. 

 New York Tribune. 



A Juvenile Opinion. 



Since ma's got Christian Science, us kids 

 is dead in luck 



No hot old mustard plasters upon our 

 chests are stuck; 



She never puts no ginger upon the stove 

 to boil, 



Nor doses up us children with that old cas- 

 tor oil; 



She just says: "Look here, children, no 

 need for you to squall. 



You think your stomach's aching? 

 There's no such thing at all." 



Since ma's got Christian Science, she 



doesn't use a whip 

 To punish us, but simply takes puckers in 



her lip, 

 And thinks and thinks right at us, until 



she near goes blind, 



And then she says she's whipped us by 



whipping in her mind. 

 That is the absent treatment, but any one 



can see 

 That it don't make connections with such 



a boy as me. 



But pa now he is dif'rent. When he's at 



home he'll say: 

 "You children best be careful not to be 



bad today." 

 And you bet we are careful, 'cause pa he 



says that he 

 Will give us switchin' science kot from the 



willow tree, 

 And, as for absent treatment, why he 



says, with a wink: 

 "I'll 'tend to all the switchin' ma can 



stand by and think." 

 Josh Wink, in Baltimore American. 



Susan Van Doozan. 



I'll write, for I'm witty, a popular ditty, 



To bring to me shekels and fame, 

 And the only right way one can write one 

 today 



Is to give it some Irish girl's name; 

 There's "Rosy O'Grady," that sweet 

 "steady lady," 



And dear "Annie Rooney," and such, 

 But mine shall be nearly original, really, 



For "Susan Van Doozan" is Dutch. 



"Oh, Susan Van Doozan, the girl of my 



choos'n! 



You stick to my bosom like glue, 

 When this you're perus'n' remember I'm 



mus'n' 



Sweet Susan Van Doozaa on you; 

 So don't be abus'n my offer, and bruis'n 



A heart that is willing to woo 

 And please be excus'n r not cold and re- 



fus'n', 

 Oh, Susan Van Doozan, please do!" 



Now, through it I'll scatter a quite easy 



matter 

 The lines that we all of us know, 



