340 



THE IRRIGATION AGE. 



MR. SILAS THORNAPPLE'S OPINIONS CON- 

 SARNIN' IRRIGATION. 



'Taint because thar ain't water enough on this airth 

 to go around thet thar is so much difficulty in gittin' 

 any when it is wanted the wust, thar bein' a sufficient 

 quantity uv it to obleege the large part uv the inhabi- 

 tants to go into the ark-buildin' occupation to save 

 themselves gittin' drowned ef it sh'd all come onto 

 them to oncet but it is because thar is so many ob- 

 stacles in the way uv gittin' it. 



Lookin' at the situation from a birdseye pint uv 

 view, I calkerlate thet it would take the sarvices uv 

 a arbitration tribunal composed uv Solomons to make 

 anv satisfactory impressions on the difficulties, an' then 

 the arbitrators would hev to. be encased in suits uv 

 boiler plate while attendin' thar meetin's, 'on account 

 uv the strenuous pressure thet would be brought to 

 :bear on them by the army of contractors, water barons, 

 land sharks, an' other friends, uv humanity anxious 

 to procure homes for the suffering pervided them ez 

 suffer hev the cash to back up thar aspirations. The 

 others don't git any homes wuth mentionin'. 



On the surface, thet is, on the side turned to the 

 ardent gaze uv the public, this irrigation business 'pears 

 to me to be in the follerin' condition: It is divided into 

 ,two classes, each one uv which is a holdin' on to the 

 end uv a rope an' a-pullin' fur all they're wuth in 

 : contrary directions. So fur ez the surface looks, neither 

 : uv 'em hain't got a hair weight uv unanimity or sur- 

 render, but I guess I know a few things an' I don't 

 hev to pry my opinions out with a boot jack. 



One- side hez all the land, or it hez made contracts 

 to git all thefs* wuth surveyin'; or pourin' water on, 

 an' the other side hez all the Water which hez not been 

 set aside fur drinkin' purposes in the State uv Ken- 

 tucky, or hez contracted to git it. 



I wuz talkin' to Priscilly thet's my wife about 

 the condition, uv the irrigating problem, an' I allowed 

 a few rays uv light to be shed onto the idee I hev jest 

 suggested. 



"Wall," says she nateral like, "I sh'd think them 

 ez hez v all the land, an' the fellers ez hez all the water 

 would git together, as Deacon Plum wants everybody 

 to do, an' then they could git along without so much 

 rampagin' about an' squealin' like pigs under a gate." 



"Sh-h-h," says I, peerin' about keerfully, fur the 

 very walls hev ears when the irrigation question is 

 teched, an' approachin' nigher to Priscilly, "thefs 

 what they are a doin' now, an' they don't w-ant any- 

 body to know it; thet's why thar is so much tarnal 

 squealin' to make folks think thar's somethin' else ails 

 'em." 



"I don't keer what they do," remarked Prfscilly, 

 resumin' her knittin'. "so long ez they leave me enough 

 water to bring the milk up to the standard required by 

 them knolledgeous scientific fellers ez don't know the 

 difference between fresh milk an' a pail uv whitewash." 



"Priscilly," says I, laughin' in my sleeve, "you hev 

 hit the whole batch in the solarum plexum without 

 meanin' to do it." 



"Whar might thet be?" asked Priscilly, in her 

 simple innocence. 



"Tain't wuth while explainin," says I, "so long 

 ez it is did." Then addin' by way uv explanation: 

 "The fellers ez hev charge uv the irrigating cow are 

 gittin' milk out uv her from her horns to her tail, 

 an' they are a-skimmin' off the cream an' a-waterin' 



the milk up to a standard ez high ez the sky. Thet's 

 what they keep the cow fur, an' it's the consumers ez 

 git bilious when they pay cream prices fur skim milk 

 an' water." 



"I sh'd think the unfort'nit' consumers would not 

 like that," pursued Priscilly, in a sympathetic tone uv 

 voice. 



"They don't know anything about it," says I. 

 "They only hev their suspicions, so they swaller their 

 milk an' water jest like spring lambs. It's a case uv 

 the people be gol darned." 



"Silas !" exclaimed Priscilly, reproachingly, "you're 

 swearin' again." 



"Thet ain't swearin'," explained I ; "thet's the busi- 

 ness motto ez hez took the place uv 'God bless our 

 home' in the syndicated homes uv the farmers uv the 

 irrigated west." 



Allus irrigate immediately previous to a rain storm. 

 It saves water fur the combine, an' enables him to 

 charge you jest ez if you had used the whole allow- 

 ance thet is if you stop when the rain comes down 

 hard. Somebody hez to pay fur the water an' why not 

 you? 



Allus git your land cheap and then agitate the 

 government to put in waterworks cluss by. You will 

 then git a good price fur your land without any expense. 

 N". B. Buy all the land you can, but git it any how. 



Some uv our water canals hev been dammed so 

 often thet there is a projec' on foot to concentrate all 

 the dams in the Tonto deestrick. It begins to look 

 ez if they hed already begun the work. 



In buildin' a reservoir, it don't make no difference 

 if thar aint no water to fill it or not. The main thing 

 is to git the reservoir. Let the other fellers worry 

 about the water. 



Thar are certain deestricks in the bloomin' West 

 whar, ef you can't take your ditches in over night you 

 hed better nail them down. 



A great number uv people raise fine crops by usin' 

 the watered stock uv the irrigation combines without 

 actually usin' a drop uv the real water. They are gen- 

 'rally the promoters. 



Some folks insist thet water allus runs up hill. 

 But tain't so. I've seen it run up out uv a pump 

 many a time, and I hev seen times when it wouldn't 

 run at all. 



Thar is allus more money made by a contractor 

 out uv a job than the feller who pays for the job 

 ever receives out uv the profits. The truth of this 

 surprisin' fac' will appear later on if irrigation is 

 carried on accordin' to the ideas uv some folks. 



A scientific investigator comes forward with the 

 statement that "cow peas" are not peas but beans. 

 Aside from the fact that a rose by any other name 

 will smell as sweet, we are reminded of the poem : 

 "Tell me not in mournful numbers 

 Life is but a mournful dream, 

 For the soul is dead that slumbers 

 And things are not what they seem." 



