372 



THE IRRIGATION AGE. 



SILAS THORNAPPLE'S OPINIONS. 



CONSARNIN' "OZONE GEORGE." 



"I says to Priscilly thet's my wife last night, 

 after hevin' greased my boots fur an airly start to cut 

 the corn, 'Priscilly,' says I, 'we're a-goin to hev good 

 times in this country in a few weeks. 

 The rascals is a-goin' to be turned 

 out, ever gol durned one of 'em. 

 Thar ain't a-goin' to be any more 

 swindling not any more land steal- 

 in'. Everybody ez wants a home in 

 the great sunburned West is a-goin' 

 to git one an' not be chouseled out 

 of it by any syndicate, or land grab- 

 ber ez hez alus been the custom here- 

 untofore. We're all a-goin' to jine 

 in a enormous Sabbath school, with gals ez hev frizzled 

 bangs, an' fellers with smooth, oiled locks ez expound- 

 ers uv the Scriptures uv the new dispensation, an' a 

 head deacon to take up the collections fur the be- 

 nighted heathen uv Arizony, Californy, Utah, New 

 Mexico, Texas, an' other unconvarted lands ez arc 

 obfusticated in darkness an' don't even know how to ir- 

 rigate.' 



"'Will' thet interfere with our farmin', Silas?' 

 asked Priscilly, anxious like, her flustrated appearance 

 givin' me the impression thet she hed been a-saltin' 

 the butter again pound fur pound. 



' 'No, I guess not,' said I, without lookin' at her 

 fur fear she would betray herself, 'not unless they find 

 out what you've ben a-doin', but ez fur ez the farm is 

 concarned, it will hev to depend upon the size uv the 

 mortgage I shell hev to put on it to pay my share uv 

 the contributions to the holy crusade.' 



"'Good land!' exclaimed Priscilly, 'a crusade? Do 

 you mean to tell me thet they're a-goin' to drive the 

 Turks out uv Arizony, an' them other places?" 



" 'Wuss'n thet,' says I. 'They're a-goin' to purify 

 a dishonest government, sweep off uv the face uv the 

 earth a horde uv scoundrelly officials ez is lettin' the 

 sharks steal twenty-five millions uv acres uv good ricli 

 land from the government, repeal all the pernicious an' 

 outrageous land laws an' restore the entire public do- 

 main to the fellers ez is in on the game. 



" 'Silas Thornapple, can you look me in the eye 

 an' say that this great an' glorius government about 

 which Theodore Roosevelt, our noble president, sheds 

 tears every time lie mentions it needs purifyin', an' 

 thet it is composed of sich a lot uv rascals ez will permit 

 anybody to squander twenty-five millions uv acres of its 

 dearly bought land without their a-doin' anythin' to 'em 

 to stop it?' An' Priscilly leant back in her rocker an' 

 heaved a deep sigh ez she wiped the gatherin' tears 

 from her eyes with the stockin' she was a-knittin'. 



" 'It grieves 7ne to say thet it is the gospel truth. 

 Priscilly, uttered by a man who would not lie, a man 

 who hevin' been in the inside is calkerlated to know 

 more about it than anybody else. It is too true, Pris- 

 cilly, fur I read it in print, in a speech delivered by 

 Ozone George, published in the newspapers several 

 weeks before he actually spoke it in public out uv his 

 own mouth. I also received a letter from him, beggin' 

 me in the name uv humanity to send in my contribu- 

 tion so thet he might put a stop to it an' save the coun- 

 try. Do you suppose such a man could be deceived 

 about the sufferin' uv the people uv this great nation? 



No, why, Priscilly, he hed his name up fur vice-presi- 

 dent. He is a real, genuine, cheery-tree George Wash- 

 ington ; ain't his name George ? 



" 'Says Ozone George, in his fervent philanthropic 

 appeal : "Friends, Romans. Countrymen. Rise up an' 

 resoom your long since deceased rights through me. 

 This rotten government is no longer able to protect you 

 an' your homes. Your noble forests are a-goin' up into 

 smoke with no man to stop it; my friends Theodore is 

 too busy reducin' his fat for the next campaign to help 

 you; he is permittin' several kinds of villyans to steal 

 an' otherwise conceal about their persons twenty-five 

 millions uv acres uv land per annum. Ten years ago 

 when I began this crusade against this villanous robbery 

 thar wuz only one hundred millions uv acres uv the 

 great public domain remainin' fur homes, and at the 

 rate uv twenty-five millions unlawfully taken away, it 

 will not last much longer. I appeal to you as patriotic 

 citizens, friends uv humanity, etcetery, to rise up an' 

 help me to stop this desecration. I am the only man 

 who can stop it, an', by lightnin', I will stop it, per- 

 vided you send in your contributions at an early date. 

 Christmas is comin' an' I must have the money or all 

 will be lost. 



" "Do you want to be saved, friends, Romans, 

 countrymen, country Jakes? All you thet is weary an' 

 heavy laden with land grabbin' concerns, come unto 

 me an' I I will give you rest. Come an' rest on my 

 noble buzzom, an' while you are a-reposin' thar, let 

 me git my hands into your pockets fur the wherewith 

 to carry on this glorious job and make you eternally 

 happy. I will stop these wrongs, I will wipe away your 

 every tear, I will relieve you of your spare change, 

 I will take a mortgage on your ranch if you haven't 

 got the cash. Better a mortgage to me than to let the 

 land sharks get your ranch without leavin 'you so much 

 ez an equity uv redemption.' 



" 'Is he succeedin ?' asked Priscilly. 



" 'Succeedin' in what ?' I retorted. 'Ef you mean 

 succeedin' in stoppin' the land stealin', I am obleeged to 

 confess that after several years of determined collec- 

 tion of contributions he hezn't made ez much impres- 

 sion on it ez I do on a presidential election. But ef 

 you mean succeedin' in gittin' mortgages an' contribu- 

 tions, my answer is the savin' uv Lawyer Goodwin in 

 the boss trade, where Deacon Jones put a chestnut burr 

 under his old crowbait's tail to make him prance around 

 like a three-year-old, an' then traded him even for Mr. 

 Timmin's thoroughbred pacer ; says Lawyer Goodwin : 

 "Your honor, with all due courtesy to this court, permit 

 me to say that all the suckers are not yet dead." ' 



" 'Who is this Ozone George, an' where does he 

 live?' inquired Priscilly. 



" 'Nobody don't seem to know exactly,' said I. 'It 

 is my private opinion tjiet he is an ancient gold brick 

 like the one I got in Chicago when I bought the Masonic 

 Temple at a bargain from a friendly feller I met thar, 

 only this one has been scoured an' shined up with a new 

 kind uv polishin' powder 



" 'Yes, I've noticed thet every little while thar is 

 a new brand on the market, but it is the same old one 

 under a new name,' remarked Priscilly.' 



" 'Ez to whar he lives,' I continued, without no- 

 ticin' the interruption, 'I dunno, I don't guess he knows 

 himself, thar's so many states callin' him "distinguished 

 son." It is believed by some thet he hez the super- 



