276 EAST PRUSSIA TO THE GOLDEN GATE 



learned to distinguish my friends from my enemies and 

 it has taught me hundreds of other things which were 

 necessary for me to learn; and thus it has benefited me, 

 and, best of all, I am convinced that I have deceived my- 

 self in my hopes and expectations. The remaining four 

 years shall be devoted to the same purpose and, 

 provided I remain master of my own free will, these com- 

 ing four years devoted thus to the service of my purpose 

 will not be curtailed one single hour, except it be that I 

 reach the fulfillment of my plans before the expiration of 

 that time, which, however, I can hardly expect. I would 

 therefore say to you, my sweet, darling mother, do not ex- 

 pect to see me again before the expiration of the time 

 I have set. 



I have never cared about the "Affection" of the public ; 

 respect was all I demanded, and that I could enforce, if 

 necessary. Should I return home to-day, the people 

 would be justified in ridiculing me and to compare 

 me to a school boy who ventured into a dark room and, 

 becoming frightened, ran at once back to mamma's apron 

 strings. Should I, however, return after five years, even 

 without having accomplished my purpose, but after hav- 

 ing faithfully and perseveringly tried to do so, having 

 fought bravely, though in vain, my course will not resem- 

 ble the running away of a school boy from a ghost, but 

 it will be the withdrawing of a man from a fight to which 

 his strength is no longer equal. But ere all honorable 

 resources are exhausted and before all strength is gone, 

 there must and there shall be no talk of retreat. Should 

 that point be reached, however, there will then be noth- 

 ing cowardly, nothing ridiculous about it and no sane man 

 need be ashamed of it. 



January 31st, 1853. 



The closing of mail compels me to seal my letter and 

 all I wish to add is my great satisfaction at Carl's suc- 

 cess, the most interesting news in Alexis' welcome mis- 

 sive. 



In regard to my health, T must say that it progresses 



