A MEAL ON THE QUIET. 129 



Now take the banisters firmly in your hand, descend 

 to the kitchen, out with your fusee-box, and light the 

 gas. "Bless me, how many black beetles! ugh!" 

 Never mind that, you soon get accustomed to them. 

 Then light your fire ; this is best accomplished by 

 putting innumerable bundles of firewood in the grate, 

 and lighting them well before you place on the coals ; 

 in a few minutes you will have a splendid fire fit to 

 roast an ox. Of course, much of this trouble can be 

 avoided if you have a gas-stove. Now comes the fun, 

 hunting in all unknown corners for plates, cruet-stand, 

 knives, forks, and spoons ; and how you laugh in your 

 sleeve at all the little eccentricities of domestic economy 

 you discover ! The meat is nearly done ; put down a plate 

 to warm ; one turn more and then the food is cooked. 

 Now dish it; don't burn your fingers with the plate. 

 Careful; that's it, and you think you never ate anything 

 better in your life. Oh, for a glass of beer ! you sigh ; 

 and suddenly remember there is the servants' cask next 

 the meat-safe in the kitchen hall. Draw what you 

 want, but remember to turn the tap off. Was ever beer 

 so welcome ? Never ! One, two, three glasses stop 

 there, enough is as good as a feast. Now steal quietly 

 up to your room, undress like a mouse, and get into 

 bed. Possibly your wife is sound asleep ; possibly, if 

 awake, she would rather not remonstrate till the 

 morning; and possibly you are such a short time 

 married that the calf-love still exists, and she would not 

 for the world disturb you ; but it may just be possible 

 she may insist on explanations at once. Say nothing, 

 my friend ; you have the joke all in your hands, unless 

 crying begins, and how to act then I could not advise. 

 On second thoughts, perhaps a little baby talk, such as 

 j 



