192 



NEW ENGLAND FARMER. 



[Jan. 6, 



iacto Pear's siwrcss, 



TO THE PATRONS AND FRIENDS OF THE 



NEW ENGLAND FARMER. 



Good people, gentle and genteel, 

 With aspirations for your weal, 

 I've corac to tell your honors I'm 

 A missionary sent from '1'ime, 

 With his best New Year's compliments, 

 Which by these presents he pn sents ; 

 Besides, I make bold to make known ^ 



Some civil wishes of my own. 

 To wit, good health and hearty cheer 

 May you enjoy through many a year ; 

 Blest with whatever 1 should think 

 Is most superb to eit and drink- 

 Good Indian pudding, dish divine, 

 Baked beans, squash-pie, and " appie wiiS'-'," 

 With other viands which delight 

 A hale, unpamper'd appetite. 

 For instance, what is called " pof-luck," 

 Which makes one '" hearty as a buck" — 

 Say once a week, boii'd pork and peas, 

 And maple sugar when you please. 



Last year, you know, about this tiaie 

 I made a dash at the sublime — 

 Drove Pegasus in New Viar's ditty 

 Quite Jehu-like about the city ; — 

 By some yclep'd, who saw him wag on, 

 A blazing star, or fiery dragon — 

 But since to topics of utility 

 Have consecrated my ability ; 

 And none with more exertion tries 

 To make men " healthy, wealthy, wise," 

 Or shows more industry and zeal 

 In all that tends to public weal. 



" Without the smiles from Beauty won, 

 Man were a world v.'ilhout a sun." 

 So by a Scoltiih bard we're told. 

 Whose rhymes are worth his iveight in gold ; 

 I've therefore striven with main and might 

 To be the Ladies' favourite. 

 By recipes for health and cooking — 

 Item, to make them prelly looking 

 By diet, clothing, exercise, 

 .\U which said recipes comprise. 

 Though our attempts to mend perfection 

 Seem liable to some objtclion, 

 Custom and costume surely may 

 Not always give the VAinfair piny ; 

 Of course some delicate and nice 

 Tit bits of opportune advice 

 From one as gracious as a dervise 

 May sometimes do the Y air fair service. 

 I've told you how to mend the breeds 

 Of poor potatoes from their seeds. 

 Like certain Essex cnUivMlors, 

 Who've rais'd fine new stocks of potatoes, 

 Which possibly may prove as nice 

 .\s those which grew in Paradise — 

 ilave introduced some grand Chenangoes, 

 Which need no pickles, spice nor mangoes — 

 N"o stimulants which art supplies. 

 Which may their natural tmig disguise — 

 Make them go down like sugar'd pills, 

 Which serve to swell the Doctoi's bills — 

 Not like that vile, degenerate race 

 Of modern " /n/tri," which disgrace 

 And damnify this generation 

 Anil fill their bellies with vejsation — 

 Not like the " io^'iji/" roots they raise 

 In this our vicinage nowadays. 

 Which BucKiNGiiAiM of late dcnounc'd 

 And which well merit being trounc'd — 

 Whose sale humanity forbids. 

 Resembling more tobacco qiiids 

 Than any esculent worth eating. 

 At once our health and palates cheatin" — 

 Vile tubers, which a man would guess 

 Sprang fro'n that " rnnl of bifleness" 

 That's ten times bitterer than gall, 

 And took its rise f. om Adam's fall. 

 As bitter as the late repentance 

 Of wretches who have heard the sentence 

 Of Justice, dooming their suspension 

 I'or the worst crimes which one cau mention. 



We've also given to many a neighbour , 



Fine roots received from Mr Taber, 



Which well deserve the fust degrees 



Of prime potatoe-pedigrees. 



And should be dcstin'd to the places 



Of weakly, worn out, worthless races. 



I've told you how to save a deal 

 By manufacturing cob-mtal. 

 Thus make your Indian corn worth more 

 By one fifch'part than 'twas belbre, 

 A fine discovery, (worth a ca-iket 

 Of gems) to bless the Farmer's basket- 

 Have publish'd also some acute 

 And useful hints for raising fruit. 

 For which, if properly regarded 

 1 shall thereby be well rewarded. 

 ^Vhat I have said on Bees and Honey 

 May save the commonwealth more money 

 (Though tru-- 'tis not my own invention) 

 Than suits my modesty to mention. 

 On Slugs and Bugs, by my instruction, 



You have been taught to shower destruction. 



The Canker worm and Caterpil- 



Lar I have taught you how to kill ; — 



And other pests, which, when they tlirive, 



F.at cultivators up alive. 



By dint of microscopic munching. 



Their wives and children take for luncheon. 



Now, if It be as true as rife. 



Who takes my substance takes my life. 



Those tiny depredators be, 



Manslayers in the first degree ; 



And whosoever hunts them down 



Is worthy of a civic crown. 



The Romans gave that kind of chattel 



To him who sav'd a life in battle ; — 



And do I not well merit then. 



For saving lives ofmany men, 



By saving that whereon they live, 



More than some gentlefolk will give ? 



And I have fought with zeal and zest 

 Full many a vegetable pest — 

 Prnclaim'd the means, by which the rude 

 Andstntiborn tliistle is subdued — 

 Attack'd the white weed, ri el armis. 

 Which aye the plague of many a farm is — 

 Told hov/ our farmers should contrive it, 

 Who from their premises would drive it ; 

 But grarinusly have made it known 

 That while weed may be let alone 

 By any cultivator that 

 Is nine limes poorer than Job's cat. 

 And owns, to add to his disaster, 

 A soil still poorer than its master. 

 We fain would limit its domain 

 To arid heath and blasted plain. 

 There it would fill its proper station 

 In partnership with desolation ; 

 Where shrub-oaks grow and dwarf pitch pines. 

 Sterility's unfailing sia:ns. 

 In coumion cases we've decreed 

 Kntire destruction to this weed, 

 And hope our I'armers, hoe in hand. 

 Will join to drive it from the land. 

 Or seal its fate by means as sure. 

 Sheep' farming, ploughing and manure ; 

 Fir those wdio can its progress curb 

 Had better " try some other herb." 



The world's in debt to us for various 

 Co p 1 mini icat ions multifarious, 

 Wiiich we have put in circulation 

 To benefit this ag*; and nation. 

 Our correspondents are indeed, 

 Not altogether all agreed. 

 But light's struck out from their divisions 

 Like fire from flint and steel's collisions. 

 Whenever men of mind fall out 

 The world reaps benedt, no doubt. 

 Provided they dispute with candor, 

 I'ao neither subterfuge nor sland*r, 

 (iive facts and argnnients fair J^Iay, 

 Say nothing, when they've nought to say — 

 Do not, as sophists always will. 

 When fairly vanquish'd argue still — 

 Maintain their ground ajain^t conviction 

 1 lom pride or love of contradiction. 



In sifting truth we ti-uly must 

 Someti.Ties shake up a little dust 

 Which soon consuming in its blaze 

 Will cease to iokercept its rays. 



Thus from a certain controversy, 

 (All which your honours read, I dare say.) 

 Concerning different kinds of kine 

 Much good has issued I opine 

 For whatsoever side is right, 

 Slill llu discussion gives its lighl. 

 Such d fferences cause no terror, 

 Save to the advocates of error 

 A man of sense is ever suited 

 Who finds his tenets are disputed, 

 For thus occasion may be found 

 To place them on advantage ground. 

 And when a thorough view is taken 

 If he believe himself mistaken 

 In sooth right glad to stand corrected. 

 Discarding errors thus detected, 

 Instead of being in a pet, 

 He changes sides without regret, 

 Rejoices in the acquisition. 

 Which gives him truth, upon conditior. 

 Of yielding what can't be defended, 

 And when the controversy's ended 

 Avails himself of information 

 Resulting from the altercation. 



Much useful matter I disclose 

 In registers nf Cattle Shows, 

 And put most cheerfully to press 

 Each Agricultural Address — 

 All intellectual displays, 

 Which gild the Farmer's Holidays, 

 Each worthy one who gains a prize 

 1 hasten to immortalize 

 In standard volumes neatly bound, 

 And indexes by which are found 

 Each article which crowns the columns 

 Of our wide circulating volumes ; 

 Then hasten their dissemination 

 To every corner of the nation. 

 Likewise Reports of our Committees, 

 Worth more than all the Poets' ditties 

 PVom Homer downward to this day 

 Including even this New Year's lay' 

 Although to own it is a hardship. 

 And somewhat mortifies our hardship. 

 Yet true it is, without abuse meant. 

 Utility precedes amusement. 

 And Farmers therefore stand much higher 

 Than Bards, who merely thrum the lyre, 

 But scarce a soul of them knows how 

 'i'o wield a hoe, or guide a plough. 



I can't endure that kind of huffing, 

 Which rhetoricians call self J'vffmg, 

 Or well I might proceed for aye 

 Our useful labours to display — 

 Your honour needs no such verbosity 

 To stimulate your generosity, 

 And would despise that kind of snuffling 

 Duplicity — that double shuffling — 

 W'hich seems to say " if you think proper 

 I'll take a kicking for a copper." 

 I hate that counterfeit humility 

 That sorry semblance of civility 

 That sort of sheepishness. whose office is 

 Like one of Ovid's metamorphos»-s 

 To shrink a Freeman to an imp 

 With scarce Ihr spirit of a shrimp'; 

 And therefore will not tease my betters 

 Nor make these piesents rfu?in2?ii: Irllcrs, 

 But. slating with some pieispicat ity 

 And urging with some jtertinacity 

 My claims to some reminieration 

 For toils in my official station 

 Will sooner leave them to your bounty 

 Than any Jury in the county. 



Boston, Jan. 1, 1826. 



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 are entitled to a si.rlh volume gratis. 



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