FRED BEAUCHAMP'S LOVE SCRAPES. 317 



another boy, I got a thorough good flogging. This cooled my 

 courage for a twelvemonth ; after which I had a desperate 

 afiair with the daughter of the village schoolmaster — possessing 

 a very red face, snub nose, and black, glossy ringlets. The 

 flame being reciprocal, clandestine meetings, billets doux, and 

 little presents followed ; but one from my Dulcinea, a lock of 

 hair, nearly extinguished the fire, as well as your humble 

 servant at the same time." 



" Pray may I ask how, Mr. Beauchamp ? " 



" Oh, certainly, if it will afibrd you any satisfaction to know 

 how silly I was in my teens. Well, you must know then, 

 that of this precious lock I swallowed one hair per night, at bed- 

 time — such was the devouring nature of my passion." 



" Really, Mr. Beauchamp," exclaimed the gay widow, laugh- 

 ing at the drollery of the thing, "you must be joking now, to 

 see how much / can swallow.'''' 



" Well may you laugh at such an absurdity ! " continued 

 Fred, "but, 'pon honour, it is perfectly true. I had nearly 

 eaten up the lock, hair by hair, when one night, from an over- 

 exciting meeting with my beloved, I took an extra allowance, 

 two or three together, which, sticking in my throat, nearly 

 choked me ; in short, I had a /iaiV-breadth escape of my life, 

 from being patted on the back by the strapping housemaid — 

 who came in to take our candles away — until the breath was 

 knocked out of my body." 



" Oh, Mr. Beauchamp, how very ridiculous ! " 



" Yes, ridiculous enough ; and it surprises me now to think 

 how I ever could have been such a ninny." 



" Well, but how did this love affair terminate ? " 



" Bather tragically ; my master having caught me kneeling 

 at my fair one's feet one evening in a secluded arbour, gave me 

 a precious good caning, upbraiding me the while for being a 

 sallow-faced, hook-nosed, sparrow-legged dog, in the presence 

 of the young lady, by which my aniour prop^e was more hurt 

 than my back ; and my enchantress not exhibiting much com- 

 passion at my distressed situation, but rather inclined, I thought^ 

 to titter at these insulting epithets, flame number two was thus 

 quickly put out. I had, it is true, formed a desperate resolution 

 of covering my shame and love together in a duck-pond ; but 

 the water looked so extremely dark and disgusting, that the 

 idea of spoiling a new pair of white trousers saved me. Since 

 then, with the exception of looking at Blanche Douglas in the 

 same light as a cat is said to look at a king, from a respectful 



