288 



THE GENESEE FARMER. 



CM 



imlhuwM. 



Puns on Names.— When Dr. Goodenough preached be- 

 fore the House of Lords, a wag remarked : ■ 

 " 'Tis Well enough that Goodenough 

 Before the Lords should preach; 

 For sure enough, they're bad enough 

 He undertakes to teach." 



The following is a lively and spirited pun : 



At a tavern one night, 



Messrs. More, Strange and Wright, 

 Met to drink and and their good thoughts exchange. 



13ays More : " Of us three, 



The whole will agree, 

 There's only one knave, and that's Strange." 



" Yes," says Strange, rather sore, 



" I'm sure; there's one More — 

 A most terrible knave and a bite, 



Who cheated his ii'olher, 



His sister and brother." 

 " Oh, yes," replied More, " that is Wright." 



Fontenelle.— This distinguished author stands out 

 among writers for having reached the extraordinary age 

 of a hundred years. It was believed of bim that he never 

 truly laughed or cried in the whole course of his exist- 

 ence. The following characteristic anecdote is told of 

 him : One day a certain bonvivant Abbe came unexpect- 

 edly to dine with him. The Abbe was fond of asparagus 

 dressed with butter, for which Fontenelle also had a great 

 gout, but preferred it dressed with oil. Fontenelle said 

 for such a friend there was no sacrifice he would not 

 make ; the Abbe should have half the dish of asparagus 

 he had ordered for himself, and, moreover, it should be 

 dressed with butter. While they were conversing thus 

 together, the Abbe fell down in a fit of apoplexy ; upon 

 which Fontenelle instantly scampered down stairs, and 

 eagerly called out to his cook : " The whole with oil ! the 

 whole with oil, as at first !" 



The Cow and the Railroad.— When George Stephen- 

 son, the celebrated Scotch Engineer, had completed his 

 model of a locomotive, he represented himself before the 

 British Parliamdnt and asked for the attention and sup- 

 port of that body. The grave M. P.'s looking sneeringly 

 at his invention, said : "So you have made a carriage to 

 run only by steam, have you ?" " Yes, my Lords." " And 

 you expect to run on parallel rails, so that it cannot get 

 off, do you?" "Yes, my Lords," "Well, now, Mr. 

 Stephenson, let us show you how absurd your claim is : 

 Suppose, when your carriage is running upon those rails 

 at the rate of twenty or thirty miles an hour — if you are 

 extravagant enough to even suppose such a thing is pos- 

 sible— a cow should get in the way. You can't turn out 

 for her — what then?" " Then 'twill be bad for the cow, 

 my Lords!" 



A countryman sowing his ground, two smart fellows 

 riding that way, one of them called to him, with an inso- 

 lent air : " Well, honest fellow, it is your business to sow, 

 but we reap the fruits of your labor." To which the 

 countrymau replied: "It is very likely you may, for I 

 am sowing hemp !" 



Hams. — "Gripps, I understand you have a superior 

 way of curing hams. I should like to learn it." " Well, 

 yes ; I know very well how to cure them, but the trouble 

 with me just now is tojoro-cure them." 





Soldiers must have Sound Feet. — The late Major 



throp, in an article written for the Atlantic Monthly, 



A soldier needs, beside his soldierly drill, 



1. Good feet. 



2. A good stomach. 

 S. And after these comes the good head and th< 



heart. 



But good feet are distinctly the first thing; w| 

 them you can not get to your duty. If a comrade I 

 horse, or a locomotive, takes you on its back to the | 

 you are useless there ; and when the field is lost, yc 

 not retire, run away, and save your bacon. 



Good shoes and plenty of walking make good fei 

 man who pretends to belong to an infantry cor 

 ought always to keep himself in training, so that t 

 moment he can march twenty or thirty miles w 

 feeling a pang or raising a blister. 



A Captain of a company who will let his men i 

 with such shoes as I have seen on the feet of somi 

 fellows in this war, ought to be garroted with 

 strings, or at least compelled to play Pope and was 

 feet of the whole army of the Apostles of Liberty. 



If you find a foot-soldier lying beat out by the 

 side, desperate as a sea-sick man, five to one his 

 are too high or his soles too narrow or too thin, 

 shoe is not made straight on the inside, so that the 

 toe can spread into its place as he treads. 



I am an old walker over Alps across the wate 

 over Cordilleras, Sierras, Deserts and Prairies at 1 

 I have done my near sixty miles a day, without di 

 fort — and, speaking from large experience, and with 

 fill recollections of the suffering and death I have 1 

 for want of good feet on the march, I say to every i 

 teer : Trust in God ; but keep your shoes easy. 



Wedding Rings. — One of the most whimsical in 



tions was used by the Bishop of London in 1753 



had been married three times. On the fourth ma: 



he placed as a motto on the wedding ring : 



"If I survive 

 I'll make them five." 



One device of French jewellers is forming a mol 



the arrangement of stones around the hoop — the fir 



ter of the name of each stone forming amatory • 



when combined, as in the following examples: 



R-uby. L-apis Lasuli. 



E-merald, O-pal. 



G-arnet. V-erd Antique. 



A-methyst. E-merald. 



R-uby. M alachite. 



D-iamond. E-merald. 



A Hint for the Divorce Courts. — A Roman 

 about to repudiate his wife, among a variety of 

 questions was asked by her enraged kinsman : "I 

 your wife a sensible woman? Is she not handsoi 

 In answer to which, slipping off his shoe, he held 

 asking them: "Is not this shoe a very handsome 

 Is it not quite new? Is it not extremely well m 

 How, then, is it that none of you can tell me wh 

 pinches?" 



— ' ^^•■^mm 



An anecdote is related of a running footman (r 

 half-witted), who was sent from Glasgow to Edinbui 

 two doctors to come and see his sick master. He wi 

 terrupted on the road by the inquiry : How is your 

 ter, now ? " He's no dead yet," was the reply, " but 

 soon be, for I'm fast on the way for twa Edinburg do 

 to come and visit him." 



Hail and Rain. — " Where do you hail from !" qu 

 a Yankee of a traveler. " Where do you rain fr< 

 "Don't rain at all," said, the astonished Jona 

 "Neither do I hail — so mind your own business." 



