su 



THE GENESEE FAR^fER. 



An Alternative. — An old Scotch tailor happened to 

 have a helpmate of a very peevish and querulous turn in 

 ner temper. "I'm gaun to dee, Andkew," said the wife. 

 "Are ve?" replied the tailor, as coolly as if he had been 

 trying the temper of his goose. "Are ye?— is that the 

 way you speak when I'm telling you that I'm gaun to 

 leave you forever? Ye' re no to lay my banes here amang 

 the riftVaffo' Linlithgow, but tak' them to Whitburn, and 

 lay them beside my father and mother." Andrew, es- 

 teeming a promise made to a person on the verge of time 

 as sacred, and not wishing to put himself to the expense, 

 (^wbich, indeed, he could ill afl'urd,) waived giving any 

 answer, but led on a ditlerent conversation. " Do you 

 hear, Anm)rkw ?" " Oh yes, I hear." " Weel, mind what 

 I'm saying: tak' me to Whitburn, or I'll rise and trouble 

 ye uicht and day ; do you hear?" " Yes, yes, I hear per- 

 fectly. Is that pain in your side troubling ye yet?" "Ou, 

 ayel I'm a' pain thegither; but the maist pahi to me is, 

 that you'll lay my dust here." "Oh, woman, dinna dis- 

 tress yoursel' about that simple circumstance." "Mind, 

 I'll no lie here; ye maun tak' me to Whitburn; I'll 

 trouble ye if ye dinua, and ye may depend o'nt." "Weel, 

 weel, then, if ye raauu be buried at Whitburn, I cauuo' 

 help it; but we'll try ye at Linlithgow first." 



The Chicken and Feather. — At breakfast one morn- 

 ing, in that quiet and comfortable old inn, the White 

 iSwan, iu York, a foreigner made quick dispatch with the 

 Gggs. Thrusting his spoon into the middle, he drew out 

 the yolk, devoured it, and passed on to the next. When 

 he had got to his seventh egg, an old farmer, who had 

 already been prejudiced against Monsieur by his mus- 

 taches, could brook the extravagance no longer, and 

 speaking up, said: "Why, sir, you leave all the white I 

 How is Mrs. Lockwood to aflj'ord to provide breakfast at 

 that rate?" "Vy," replied the outside barbarian, "you 

 vouldu't have me to eat de vite; deyoik is de shicken — 

 de \ ite de tedders. Am I to make von bolster of myself?'' 

 The farmer waa dumbfounded. 



A gks'tlbman asked Dennis Dotle, who some years 

 ago was a member of the old Tammany Hall Nominating 

 Committee and famous for his Irish wit, whv they had 



sent, for the last two years, such a fool as Mr. • to 



the Assembly? "Why," said Dennis, "we send him on 

 tru€ ItKpullican principhn." "How so," inquired his 

 friend. "Shure you kno^v," replied Dennis, "the Con- 

 stitution gays all cl^atses are to be fairly represented, and 

 faith I think if we only send one fool out of thirteen mem- 

 bers to represent a' I the fools in New York we hardly do 

 them justice." 



Braooin'q. — When you hear a man brag of hia courage 

 Ton may, if yon choose, pull his nose with impunity ; of 

 his wealth, button up your pockets; of his tlourishing 

 htiainp<(s, he sure thnf he i!< about going into the Bank- 

 rupt Court; of his wife's good temper, you may be sure 

 that he gets a curtain lecture everv night ; of his horse, 

 trot along and don't swop; but if he brag of himself, 

 you may be cert»iii that nobodj eUe thinks well of him. 



Yankee Pko(?ress. — An Englishman and a Yankee 

 were disputing, when the former sneeringly remarked: 

 "Fortunately, the Americans could go no further than 

 the Pacific shore." The Yankee scratched bis prolific 

 brain for an instant, and thus replied: "Why, good 

 gracious ! they are already leveling the Rocky Mountains, 

 and carting the dirt out West. I had a letter last week 

 from my cousin, who is living two hundred miles west 

 of the Pacific shore, on made land!" 



Diamonds. — A diamond is a diamond, though you shall 

 put it on the finger of a beggar; only that on the finger 

 of a beggar uobody would believe it to be a diamond. 

 Does not mendicant genius every daj- offer the " precious 

 jewel in the head" for sale, and yet, because the holder 

 is mendicant, does not the world believe the jewel to be 

 of no value? Men have died with jewels in their brains; 

 and not until the men were dead were the gems owned to 

 be of the true water. — Jerrold. 



Li!DiCKons Error. — Frankli.v, when he was Ambassa- 

 dor to France, being at a meeting of a literary society, 

 and not well understanding the Frencli when declaimed, 

 determined to applaud when he saw a lady of his ac- 

 quaintance express satisfaction. When they had ceased, 

 his little child said to him: "But, giaudpapa, yoa 

 always applauded the loudest when they wore praising 

 you !" Franklin laughed heartily and explained the 

 matter. 



A Good Old Ccstom. — It was a custom with the early 

 Dutch inhabitants in what is now New York and Albany, 

 to plant a tree at the birth of their children. These me- 

 mentoes of so important an event must aflbrd peculiar 

 pleasure, in after years, to the person whose birth they 

 commemorate. Why should not this beautiful old-fash- 

 ioned custom be revived? 



A MAN heard a thief breaking into his house in the 

 night. He reached to a bottle of soda-water on the 

 mantlepiecc, and as soon as the fellow's head was visible 

 took deliberate aim and cut the string. The cork hit 

 him in the face, and the thief, thinking the sod.n-watei- 

 which followed the cork — blood, fell on his knees and 

 begged for mercy. 



RiVek of Vinegar. — Near the road from Bogota to 

 Quiton, in South America, there is a river the waters of 

 which are as sour as vinegar. It takes its rise among the 

 Andes in the neighborhood of the volcanoes, which ar% 

 supposed to impart to it its sulphuric properties. 



A LADT asked a minister if she might pay attention to 

 dress and fashion without being proud. "Miidnm," re- 

 plied the minister," "whenever you see the tail of a fox 

 out of a hole, you maybe sure the fox is there also." 



A BBNBOADB Irishman, running down bis own country, 



said there was nothing in it worth having except the 

 whisky. " Oh ! then," replied a wag, " you mean to say 

 that, 'with all her faults, you love her still.'" 



"I CNDERSTAND," Said a dcacou to his neighbor, "thai 

 3'ou are becoming a hard drinker." " That is a slander,' 

 replied the neighbor, " for no man drinks easier." 



