152 



New ENGLAND FARMER. 



FOR THE NEW ENCLAKD FARMER. 



PARAMOUNT PUNNING;— OR SETTING UP, 

 AND SITTING DOWN. 

 A chap once told St. Patrick's Dean, 

 While rising from his seat, " I mean 



To set up for a wit." 

 " Ah •" quoth the Dean, " If that be true, 

 The very best thing j-ou can do 

 Is down again to sil.''' 



Too many, like that would-be wit, 

 Set up for what they are not fit. 



And always lose their aim ; — 

 Set up for wisdom, wealth, renown, 

 But end the farce by sHti7)g rfoi(7J, 



With poverty and shame. 



A middling farmer thinks he can 

 Set up to be a gentleman 



And Ihen sit dou-n content ; 

 But after many a turn and twist 

 Is set down on the pauper list, 



A fool, not worth a cent I 



When farmers' wItcs and daughters fair 

 Set up with silks and Leghorns rare. 



To look most wondrous winning, 

 They set upon a slippery stand. 

 Till indigence, with iron hand, 



Upsets their underpinning. 



Seine city ladies too, whose geer. 



Has made them to their husbands dear. 



Set up to lead the ton ; 

 Though they sit high on fashion's seat. 

 Age, death or poverty, albeit 



Will set them down, anon. 



Some fools set up to live by law. 

 And though they are " all over jau;^' 



Soon fail for lack of brains ; 

 But had the boobies only just 

 Known wher e they ought to sil at first, 



They'd sav'd a world of pains. 

 A quack sets up the doctor's trade. 

 But could he use the Sexton's spade 



No better than his pills. 

 The man might moil from morn to night 

 And find his match with all his might 



To bury half he kills. 



Yd'i may set up for what you choose 

 As easily as wear old shoes. 



If e'er so low at present ; 

 But when you have set up in vain, 

 And find you m-ust sit down again, 

 'Tis terribly unpleasant. 



Thoae lines inserted, the stanza would read as follows : 

 How dear to rqam along the sunny hills. 

 When autumn spreads her bounties o'er the plain ; 

 When industry his garner'd treasure fills 

 With richest stores from fields of ripen'd grain. 

 When slow across the glebe the ponderous wain, 

 Deep laden with the yellow ears is drawn ; 

 While from wide trees that overhang the lane. 

 The ripe red apples, shaken down at dawn, 

 Lie scatter'd thick and far along the level lawn. 



Though we plead guilty to the accusation of having 

 mutilated this passage, we can assure the author 

 there was no malice prepense in the matter, and we 

 s:hould be hapfry to atone for our error by printing eor- 

 rcctty some future productions of his muse. 



MISCELLANY. 



EPITAPH ON A MISER. 



Here crumbling lies, benealh this mouldy 

 A man, whose sole delight was gold ; 

 Contentment never was his guest. 

 Though thrice ten thousand fiU'd his chest; 

 For he, poor man, with all his store. 

 Died in great want — the want of more. 



Mistake Corrected. — In our last paper, page 144, we 

 reprinted from the N. K. (Jalaxy, an elegant piece of 

 poetry, entitled ^* AutiimTi." But the two following 

 lines which should have pi'eceded the last line of the 

 first verse, were omitted by inadvertence. 



" \A hile from wide trees that overhang the lane, 

 " The ripe red apples, shaken down nt da»\n." 



ANECDOTES. 



Original Anecdote. — A peculiarity generally 

 attributed to the yankees, is thai of answering a 

 question by asking another ; and numerous anec- 

 dotes are related to prove that it exclusively 

 belongs to them. But whoever has travelled 

 south must have noticed that it is quite as com- 

 mon among our southern brethren— whom by 

 the way Europeans call yaokees — as it is at home 

 in New England. That this peculiarity is there, 

 indeed, happily blended with some others, the 

 following anecdote will illustrate. 



A gentleman passing through one of our 

 southern states, and wishing to know the dis- 

 tance to a neighboring house, enquired of a 

 I'lanter, who was leisurely at work by the road 

 side, how far it was to Pierce''s. " From up 

 country, / reckon .^" " Yes," sain the gentleman. 

 " Well, how goes cotton ?" " Rather dull, 1 be- 

 lieve." '■^ Mighty ba<} roads, friend." "But," 

 says the traveller, " how far do you call it to 



Pierce's?" " Bound to S. , / reckon.''' 



" Exactly," answered Ihe traveller, and rode 

 on — when the planter, having completed his 

 enquiries, proceeded to reply, " Well, now I 

 don't jestly know exactly, how far, but 1 reckon 

 you'll find it something of a piece before you 

 get there ! — Portland Advertiser. 



The Hard Case. — A physician of Dublin being 

 summoned to a vestry, in order to reprimand 

 the sexton for blunders he had committed thro' 

 drunkenness, dwelt so much on the poor fellow's 

 misconduct as to raise bis anger, and dravv from 

 him a retort : " Upon my shoul, sir, this is ill-na- 

 tured ; and that you should be so eager to lay 

 open all my blunders, when I have so often, so 

 very often, covered yours, is hard, very hard, Mas- 

 ter Doctor, that's all." 



Advantage of Wealth. — A rich upstart, who 

 had obtained a great fortune by means not al- 

 ways consonant with the rules of honor or of 

 honesty, asked a poor but shrewd Irishman if 

 he had any idea of the advantages arising from 

 riches. "I believe," re[:lied the wit, "they 

 often give a rogue an advantage over an honest 



JVfti' Anecdote. — A tin pedlar culled upon a 

 spindle shanked old gentleman, in small clothes, 

 and tight silk stockings, and inquired " do you 

 want any tin ware?" It was dog dajs and the 

 tlii's bad taken a peculiar liking to the old gen- 

 tleman's legs, calling for the constant employ- 

 ment of his hands to brush them away. '• if 



you have a pair of tin boots, I should like thein.j 

 said he pettishly, " O yes," said the pedlar, ai 

 running to his cart, returning with a [lair 

 candle moulds, " those sir, will exactly fit you 

 \Albany Argus, 



Taking Advice. — An avaricious, hypocondri 

 cal gentleman fancied himself to he very mu( 

 out of health, but being too penurious to paj 

 doctor's ice, thought he would steal an opinit 

 concerning his case. Accordingly, one day, bi 

 ing in familiar conversation with one of the f 

 cully, he asked him what he should tiil<e fi 

 such a complaint. "I'll tell you," said tlie do 

 tor, "you should take advice." 



PRUDENTIAL MAXIMS. 

 The eye of a master will do more work th; 

 his hands; and not to oversee workmen is 

 leave your purse open. 



Trusting too much to other men's care is tl 

 ruin of many ; for in the affairs of this wot 

 men are saved, not by faith but the want of i 



If you would have a faithful servant, and a 

 that you like, serve yourself. 



A little neglect may breed great misciiie 

 for want of a shoe a horse was lost, and leu h;i 

 of a horse the rider was lest; being overtaki 

 and slain by the enemy, all for want of 

 about a horse shoe nail. 



If you would be wealthy, think of saving 

 well as of getting. The mines of Soiuh Am 

 rica could not make Spain rich, because heroi 

 goes were greater than her incomes. 



It often costs more to maintain one vice tl) 

 to bring up two children. 



If goods are sold ever so cheap, and youi 

 not need them, they are too dear fur you to pi 

 chase ; for if j'ou buy what you do not net 

 you may soon have need to sell your noces 

 ries. 



Sir Edward Hume, has recently made somei 

 teresting enquiries, by way of comjiarison, I 

 tween the auncidar organs of man and qiiadi 

 peds. The result of his researches seems 

 prove that shrill tones, or the upper notes 

 an instrument, have comparatively little effect 

 exciting the attention of animals whilst the fi 

 lower tones stimulate them almost to fury. 

 Evcrard observes, " that the efl'ect of Ihe hij 

 notes of the piano-forte upon the great lioo 

 Exeter Change, only called his attention, whli 

 was considerable, though he remained sile 

 and motionless. But no sooner were the Hat 

 lower notes sounded, than he sprung up, lasbi 

 his tail, and yelled violently, and endcavon 

 to break loose ; and became altogether so furio 

 as to alarm the spectators present. This viok 

 excitement ceased with the discontinuanct 

 the music. The deep tones of the French horni 

 so produced a similar effect with the lower foil' 

 of the piano-forte, on the elephant, and othertl 

 mals, on which the experiment was made." 



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