184 



NEW ENGLAND FARMER. 



NEW YEAR'S ADDRESS 



OF THE NEW EJ^GLAKD FARMER'S BOY 

 TO HIS PATROL'S. 



Good people all, of every station. 

 Who constitute our mighty nation, 

 Permit a humble Farmer's Boy 

 To wish your Worships to enjoy, 

 Through this, and many a merry year. 

 Health, happiness and Farmer's cheer, — 

 Prime pork and beef, nice pumpkin pic, 

 And cidep-barrel never dry — 

 A good roast turkey for Thanksgiving, 

 Which make what I should call good living. 



I'm noheroical high-flyer, 

 No dashing, half-craz'd versifier, 

 Whose noddle, crack'd by dissipation, 

 Madness mistakes for inspiration — 

 Ne'er held extatic interviews ) 



With ranting, rattle-headed muse V 



With draggled dress, and slip-shod shoes, ) 

 Who blows up poet's fire, they tell us, 

 More potently than blacksmith's bellows ; — 

 Fell never dismally in love 

 With dainty duck, nor ditto dove, 

 Of mortal or immortal breed, 

 To tune to rhapsody my reed — 

 Have scarcely skill to make one single 

 Line with its next successor jingle ; 

 But Custom orders me " in spite 

 Of nature and my stars," t'indite 

 A poor, plain, dull, dish-water mess. 

 To be yclep'd A'eto Fear'j Address — 

 To mount my Pegasus, although 

 The jade is duller than a hoe. 

 And make him budge : as when in banter 

 A foiuidcr'd horse is forc'd to canter. 

 By dint of cruel whip and spur. 

 He strives his sorry stumps to stir. 

 Yet sprawls, while every limb cries, quarter, 

 lAke lobster plung'd in boiling water! 

 So my poor broken down old Pegasus 

 Won't move one inch without a plaguy fuss. 

 Yet I, by Fashion's spell, am bound 

 To pace this hack o'er hacknied ground, 

 And try more modes than one can count 

 To mount him first, then make him mount ! 

 A school boy thus, to sport inclin'd, 

 Must drag his kite against the wind, 

 A long way ere he makes it rise 



To SCRAPE ACauAINTANCE WITH THE SKIES ! 



'Tis true, that now and then I dream 

 Of making verses go by steam. 

 In strains magnificently flowing. 

 When Perkins' engine's well a going ; 

 But, though this would be mighty pleasant. 

 It can't so well be done at present. 



Since •«vell I ween my lagging lays 

 Will never win the sort of bays 

 Which crowns the dealer in sublime, 

 I'll give plain common sense in rhyme ; 

 An article, which nowadays 

 In our most fashionable lays. 

 Is rare as roses full in blow 

 Blushing upon a drift of snow. 

 I'll set forth manfully, but meekly. 

 What useful things I offer weekly, 

 Then leave it to your liberality 

 To give, according to their quality. 

 Some trifling kind of compensation 

 For services in my vocation. 



Without pretence to brilliant parts 

 I lecture on the useful arts. 

 And, minding what I say, precisely. 

 You'll, probably, live long and nicely. 

 My sound hebdomadal discourses 

 Will add much more to your resources. 

 Should higher stand in life's account 

 Than all the fam'd Pierian Mount, 

 Nine Muses and Aonian rrll, 

 (Not big enough to turn a mill,) 

 And even Apollo's self appended 

 If all should be at auction vended. 



I trace the art to which we owe 

 All that is warlh a strati) below- 



Great art of all arts and the science 



On which all others place reliance. 



The base of all, in Church or State, 



Or social life, that's good or great. 



For should our Agriculture stop, 



Society must shut up shop ; 



Our brightest belles and beaux might please 



Inhabit caves and trunks of trees ; 



On roots and acorns dine like shoats ! 



And sup on buds and leaves like goats I 



Wood-chucks would burrow in State Street, 



And gaunt wolves prowl where Merrhants meet ! 



Churches by catamounts be haunted, 



And gruff bears growl where hymns are chanted, 



Owls hoot the key, with pipe sonorous, 



And croaking crows, caw, caw, the chorus ! 



I publish our good farmers' feats 

 In raising cabbages and beets. 

 Pumpkins and corn, wheat, flax, and hops, 

 And other most prodigious crops ! 

 And state the means by which, if wise, 

 You'll even go and do likewise. 

 I also tell you what procedure 

 Will make you fiimous for a breeder 

 Of nice neat cattle, sheep and swine, 

 Thus make you qualified to shine 

 Among such patriots as those 

 Who organized our Cattle Shows — 

 State Ik>w those prizes to obtain, ) 

 Which human beings, if humane, \ 

 Had ninety-nine times rather gain j 

 Than all the strifes with sword and gun 

 Th° greatest warriors ever won ; 

 AVhose brightest bays by tears are water'd. 

 And steep'd in blood of thousands slaughter'd 

 Whose trumpet-tones of triumph are 

 Mix'd with the moanings of despair. 

 While v/idow's wails and orphan's cries 

 Appeal for vengeance to the skies ! 



I tell what manufactures rare, 

 Wrought by the fingers of the Fair, 

 Strengthen affection's silken ties. 

 And make our heart the only prize 

 Which love and duty can regard 

 As adequate to their reward. 



We farmers, and our occupation, 

 Compose the bAck-eone of the nation ; 

 Without the aid which we are giving, 

 Grandeur might whistle for a living — 

 Lawyers could not get bread and cheese. 

 And much less beef, by way of fees, — 

 Physicians must their badges doff, 

 For lack of folks to doctor off, 

 And Merchants and Mechanics might 

 To Arts and Conmierce bid good mght. 



The Agriculturist supports 

 Our Judges, Justices and Courts; — 

 Without his aid good Uncle Sam 

 And Co. would all go o'er the dam ! 

 Our famous and puissant Navy 

 Must dowse its peak to Admiral Davy ; — 

 Our gallant army go to pot 

 Before they'd fir'd a single shot ; 

 Our Fortresses be mann'd by owls, 

 Buzzards and other ugly fowls — 

 Our Statesmen grand, on dainties cramming, 

 Would be sad spectacles of famine : 

 And all at Washington now resident 

 From shoe-blacks, quite up to the President, 

 As well the leaders as the led, 

 Would lack e'en Johnny-cake for bread ; — 

 The whole, including either House, 

 Must then betake themselves to browst, 

 Like quails in some adjacent wood. 

 Or starve, alack ! for lack of food ! 



If farmers fail, like Adam's fall, 

 Their fate's the destiny of all ; 

 For as old Atlas bears the pack 

 Of all the Heavens upon his back ; 

 The farmer, by his care and pains, 

 The sublunary world sustains, — 

 And if the Cultivator stumbles. 

 The whole wide world to ruin tumbles ! 



But I have done, and done my best 

 To prove how great the interest 



Good people of all ranks should feel 

 In what promotes the farmer's weal. 

 It follows thence, if worth be priz'd, 

 A paper should be patroniz'd, 

 (Dear as the apple of the eye,) 

 By every mortal low or high. 

 Which goes to aid that occupation 

 Which lays the only firm foundation 

 Of all enjoyment, every blessing — 

 All, all on earth that's worth possessing. 

 I humbly hope your Honors will 

 J<'oi let its path be all up hill.' 

 And give those wheels a little oil 

 Which at the best are turned with toil 

 Of mind and body — great expense, 

 Requiring cents as well as sense. 

 I hope your Honors, too, will make it 

 Agreeable for those to take it. 

 Who some how do not seem to see 

 How very useful it must be 

 To every body in the nation. 

 Of every rank, sex, age, and station. 

 January 1, 1824. 



MISCELLANY. 



We are authorised to state, that Doctor ( 

 rard Troost, of this city, has discovered tivo- 

 rieties of the mineral called Fcnife, or sporiiiK 

 brought lately by Major Ware, from Rhoi 

 Island. This substance was, heretofore, foe 

 only in the celebrated iron mines in the Islj 

 of Elba. Every day furnishes prools of I 

 great extent of our mineralogical resourc 

 and it is with pleasure that we anticipate I 

 publication of a memoir on this sulijcct, by) 

 Troosl, in the Transactions of the Acadtrnj 

 Natural Sciences. — National Gazette. 



The Secretary of a celebrated agriculti) 

 society in England, some years ago, in his ri 

 for improvement and not being overlmrthei 

 with understanding, sent an order to a bo 

 seller, for Mr.and Miss Edgevvorlh's Essiijs u| " 

 Irish bulls, for the use of their societ3", to as 

 the members in improving the breed of cai 



Amazing Increase. — Three fine acrea 

 wheat will be reaped in a few days, by 

 John Paddon, of Plymouth, the accumula 

 produce of a single chance grain, which gr 

 in his garden about five years since. — l^ng.f 



Ashes. — A correspondent informs u?, t 

 from bis own experience and the opinion ofl 

 best farmers, he is satisfied that a bushel ol g( 

 ashes is worth a bushel of corn, to put on co 

 flax, grass, or a garden ; and he is suriirJ! 

 that any person should continue the practice 

 selling ashes for pot-ash, at the trifling price 

 8 or 10 cents a bushel. — Hampshire Gazette, 



Among the bills reported in the Legisli 

 of South Carolina, now in session, is 

 more eftectually to prevent the pernicious [ 

 tice of Duelling." [This bill provides 

 persons fighting Duels,shall be guilty of Feld 



g381 have been collected' at Albany foij 

 sufferers by fire in Maine. 



TERMS OF THE FARMER. 



Q:^ Published every Saturday, at Three Dolj 

 per annum, payable at the end of the year — butj 

 who pay within sixty days from the time of subsc 

 will be entitled to a deduction of Fifty CentsJ| 



05" No paper will be discontinued (unlesij 

 j discretion of the publisher,) until arrearages i 



