264 LIFE OF ELIE METCHNIKOFF 



sion. I suffer chiefly in the night from those attacks ; 

 they provoke insomnia which can only be combated by 

 pantopon. 



My psychical state is twofold. In one way, I should like 

 to get well, but, on the other hand, I see no sense in living 

 any longer. Illness has not provoked in me any fear of 

 death, and I am more deprived than formerly of the joy of 

 living. The reawakening of spring leaves me quite indifferent. 

 There can be no question for me of that pleasure which con- 

 valescents often feel, nor indeed of any pleasure. To the 

 despair that I feel in the face of medicine's powerlessness to 

 cure the ills of my friends is added the feeling of its powerless- 

 ness towards my own illness. I think that my desire to re- 

 cover and to continue to live is connected with practical 

 causes. 



The war has compromised our finances, our income from 

 Russia has practically disappeared. If I die, my wife may 

 find herself in a very difficult situation. Given her lack of 

 practical notions, that may lead to very sad results. Yet it 

 is quite impossible to straighten our affairs before the end of 

 the war and the re-establishment of normal conditions. 



These were the last words he wrote in his book of 

 notes ; his hand had become weak and trembling ; 

 he tired very soon, and henceforth I wrote under his 

 dictation. On the 18th June, one month before his 

 cremation, he dictated to me for the last time, and 

 this is what he said : 



This is the seventh month that I have been ill and it 

 brings my thoughts back to the gravity of my condition. 

 I therefore continually realise how much satisfaction I have 

 derived from life during my long years. The gradual disap- 

 pearance of my "life-instinct," which already began a few 

 years ago, is now more marked, more precise. I no longer 

 feel that degree of pleasure which I felt only a few years ago. 

 My affection for my nearest and dearest shows itself much more 

 by the anxiety and suffering provoked by their diseases and 



