178 ANSWERS TO PRACTICAL QUESTIONS 



much as the body is to begin a new day's task unrefreshed by 

 sleep.* 



* Being allowed for once to speak, I would take the opportunity to 

 set forth how ill, in all respects, we stomachs are used. From the begin- 

 ning to the end of life, we are either afflicted with too little or too much, 

 or not the right thing, or things which are horribly disagreeable to us ; or 

 are otherwise thrown into a state of discomfort. I do not think it proper 

 to take up a moment in bewailing the Too Little, for that is an evil which 

 is never the fault of our masters, but rather the result of their misfor- 

 tunes; and, indeed, we would sometimes feel as if it were a relief from 

 other kinds of distress if we were put upon short allowance for a few 

 days. But we conceive ourselves to have matter for serious complaint 

 against mankind in respect of the Too Much, which is always an evil vol- 

 untarily incurred. What a pity that in the progress of discovery we can 

 not establish some means of a good understanding between mankind and 

 their stomachs ; for really the effects of their non-acquaintance are most 

 vexatious. Hitman beings seem to be, to this day, completely in the dark 

 as to what they ought to take at any time, and err almost as often from 

 ignorance as from depraved appetite. Sometimes, for instance, when we 

 of the inner house are rather weakly, they will send us down an article 

 that we could deal with when only in a state of robust health. Some- 

 times, when we would require a mild vegetable diet, they will persist in 

 the most stimulating and irritating of viands. 



"What sputtering we poor stomachs have when mistakes of that kind 

 occur ! What remarks we indulge in regarding our masters 1 " What's this, 

 now?" will one of us say ; "ah, detestable stuff 1 What a ridiculous fellow 

 that man is 1 Will he never learn ? Just the very thing I did not want. 

 If he would only send down a bowl of fresh leek soup or barley broth, 

 there would be some sense in it " ; and so on. If we had only been allowed 

 to give the slightest hint now and then, like faithful servants as we are, 

 from how many miseries might we have saved both our masters and our- 

 selves ! 



I have been a stomach for about forty years, during all of which 

 time I have endeavored to do my duty faithfully and punctually. My mas- 

 ter, however, is so reckless, that I would defy any stomach of ordinary 

 ability and capacity to get along pleasantly with him. The fact is, like 

 almost all other men, he, in his eating and drinking, considers his own 

 pleasure only, and never once reflects on the poor wretch who has to be 

 responsible for the disposal of every thing down-stairs. Scarcely on any 

 day does he fail to exceed the strict rule of temperance ; nay, there is 

 scarcely a single meal which is altogether what it ought to be. My life is 

 therefore one of continual worry and fret ; I am never allowed to rest 

 from morning till night, and have not a moment in the four-and-twenty 

 hours that I can safely call my own. My greatest trial takes place in the 

 evening, when my master has dined. If you only saw what a mess this 



