()4 



NEW ENGLAND FARMER. 



.a Mjljy TO .MY MLVD. 

 Hince wcillock'3 in vogue, and old maids little priz'd, 

 To all bachelors greeting, these lines are preniis'd ; 

 I'm a maid that would marry, but where shall 1 find, 

 (I wiih not for fortune) a man to my miud. 



iS'ot the dandy, who's hardly of masculine race, 



In love with his own precious figure and face ; 



jVot the free-thinking rake, whom no morals can Liud, 



Neither this nor the other's the man to my mind. 



Not the ruby fac'd sot that topes, world without end, 

 Not the drone, who ean't relish his bottle and friend. 

 Not the fool that's too fond, no- the churl that's unkind, 

 Neither this — that — nor t'olher's the man to my mind. 



liut the youth in whom merit and sense may conspire, 

 AVhoni the brave must esteem, and the fair should ad- 

 mire ; 

 In whose heart love and truth are with honor combin'd, 

 This — this — and no other's the man to my mind. 



A M.i.\ A'OT TO MY MIA'D. 

 From the man wliom I love, though my heart I disguise, 

 1 will freely describe the wretch 1 de?pise ; 

 And if he has sense but to balance a straw. 

 He will sure take the hint from the picture 1 draw. 



A wit without sense, without fancy a beau, 

 Like a parrot he chatters, and struts like a crow ; 

 A peacock in pride, in grimace a baboon, 

 In courage a hind, in conceit a gascoon. 



As a vulture rapacious, in falsehood a fox. 

 Inconstant as waves, and unfeeling as rocks ; 

 As a tyger ferocious, perverse as a hog, 

 In mischief an ape, and in fawning a dog. 



In a word, to sum up all his talents together, 

 Ilis heart is of lead, and his brain is of feather ; 

 Yet if he has sense but to balance a straw, 

 lie will sure take the hint from the picture I draw. 



MISCELLANEOUS. 



LADIES— BEWARE! 



[The following will serve as a caution to females, a- 

 gainst the impositions which are often practiced upon 

 them, to their mortification, shame and ruin. Let them 

 prefer, as suitors and husbands, those whose characters 

 and circumstances are known to them, and not trust to 

 the oily tongues, and vain pretensions of foreigners and 

 strangers, who, under the disguise of a fine dress, and 

 genteel manners, often conceal the most villainous de- 

 signs.] — Salem Regislcr. 



Reported for thf Philadtlpkia Union. 



A European, wlio had a wife and several chil- 

 dren in his own country, not thinking himself 

 well treated by his wife's family, determined, 

 as soon as he could compass fifty j)ounds, to try 

 his fortune in America. After he arrived in Phi- 

 ladelphia, reflecting; that he was a great way 

 from home, and that many circumstances might 

 happen here which would never be heard of in 

 Europe, he changed his name and took up his 

 abode at a hotel, where his fifty pounds were 

 soon reduced to 1 dollar 18 3-1 cents. He then 

 thought it time to look out for other quarters, 

 and accordingly removed very quietly to a pri- 

 vate boarding house, where a tine young woman 

 soon attracted his attention. In due time she 

 consented to become his bride, and the marriage 

 ceremony was properly solemnized. 



Hitherto nothing iiad occurred to give reason 

 to suppose that our gentleman was any how dif- 

 ferent from what he professed to be, unless it 

 were an odd letter whicit was no»v and then 

 picked up about tlic house, addressed to Mr. D. 



O. S. but which excited more amusement than 

 suspicion. On a certain day, however, when 

 he walked out with his bride, he was met by 

 a countryman of his, who, after accosting him 

 with great familiarity, eiupiired after the health 

 of his wife and children. Our gentleman re- 

 turned the salutation with cordiality, but per- 

 ceiving his fair companion was alarmed by the 

 interrogation, he abruptly broke olT the conver- 

 sation with the stranger. The rest of the al'ter- 

 noon was spent in accounting to the lady for 

 the strange scene which he had lately witnessed, 

 hujuiring after the health of the wile and chil- 

 dren of unmarried men was, he said, a very 

 common joke in liis own country, and she, 

 having an interest in being deceived, believed 

 him. 



His counti'} man, however, offended at the 

 abruptness of his conduct, dogged him home, 

 and a few days afterwards called to enquire 

 for him by his real name. The letters were 

 then remembered, and the fears of an old lady 

 in the family so alarmed, that she laid infor- 

 mation before a magistrate, who sent an in- 

 vitation to our gentleman to appear before him. 

 " Ah !"' said he, at'ter he had read the sum- 

 mons, " another invitation to dinner. Upon 

 my honour, if I could eat fifty dinners a day 1 

 might have them all. However I shall accept 

 of this, as I know the giver is a good kind 

 of a fellow." He went accordingly, and, 

 though surprised to find his wife and some of 

 her relations there before him, still had the ef- 

 frontery to offer the magistrate his hand. This 

 the latter refused to receive till he had read the 

 charges against him — bigamy and imposition. 

 '"• Good God, Sir," said our gentleman, " don't 

 stain my honor with such imputations. Allow 

 me till to morrow and I will produce letters 

 and witnesses that will avouch for my respecta- 

 bility." The magistrate, after consulting with 

 the parties agreed to this arrangement ; but that 

 night our gentleman disappeared and has not 

 been heard of since. 



From the New York Statesman. 

 " Love has ei/fs." — The Westchester Herald 

 states, that a villain of the name of William 

 Rosier, was detected in robbing the store of 

 Michael Marks, by a young lady and gentleman 

 who, as the term goes, wore keeping company 

 in the house opposite the scene of burglary. — 

 While tliey were prolonging their midnight 

 vigils, indulging in some wakeful dreams of 

 nuptial felicity, they saw the villain enter the 

 store through the window, and when he was 

 cleverly in, young Damon stepped across tlie 

 road, made all last, and gave the alarm, which 

 resulted in the easy apprehension of Rosier.— 

 The paragraph cautions all robbers to beware 

 of attempting depredations bettu'een the hours of 

 ten on Sumluii evening, and dcnj-break on MoniUiy 

 morning, which is " the witching time of night" 

 with village lovers. Fortunate would we be, if 

 we had guards equally wakeful in the infected 

 district. 



Old Seed. — However^ valuable ancestry may 

 he in the eye of a man of family, it is in little 

 estimation in that of iarniers, if we may judge 

 by the reply a country lad made to one who was 

 boasting of his nnci'ent /ujHi/y. "So much the 

 worse for thee" — said he — " every body knows 

 the older the seed, tlic worse the crop." 



From the .Vmtrican Statesman. 



The Office of the Philadelphia Union lat^h 

 took tire. The manner in which the accidi li 

 occurred is very pleasantly related in the fol 

 lowing paragraph, which subsequently appear 

 ed in that paper : — 



•' The report which the wags are circulatinj 

 that the fire at our office on Thursday eveninj 

 originated in the spontaneous combustion of ! 

 number of political articles of a highly inflano 

 niatory character, is totally destitute of founds 

 tion. We do not deal in such dangerous wart i 

 The truth is, that our '^ devil" was endeavoii 

 ing to purify a number of communications b 

 fire, but not being careful enough of the pre 

 cess, the flames unfortunately spread to a nuir, 

 her of poems in manuscript, (the collections th 

 last two years,) which, by reason of the spin 

 contained in them, made a fine crackling blaa 

 and Anally exhaled in fumes ethereal. The 

 went off in a most glorious smoke, but burne 

 so furiously at flrst as to scorch the wainscotin 

 of the room, and bum a hole through the floo; 

 We trust that our poetical friends will now se 

 the propriety of not burdening us in future wit 

 so many original verses. We always considere 

 them very dangerous articles." 



MR. BRAH..IM, THE SI.NGER. 



It is reported that this stage songster is aboi 

 to honor us by leaving England to sing for i 

 one year, for the moderate sum of forty ihousai 

 dollars ! The editors of the iS^ational Intelligei 

 cer, noticing this matter, have observed, " \\ 

 shall be glad to hear what our friend Niles wi 

 say to this folly." All that is needful to say 

 easily said — '• friend Niles" pays nothing 

 England for his coats, and will not pay any thit 

 to transient Englishmen for songs — though plea 

 cd to hear good music on rightful occasions ai 

 reasonable terms. Yet the managers of oi 

 theatres may make money by exposing th 

 musical biped to the public — and persons w 

 spend ten or twenty dollars to hear him, wl 

 have defrauded their honest creditors out 

 scores of thousands, or suffer themselves to 1 

 dunned by those who supply them with jni 

 for their coffee and tea. It is even yet tl 

 fashion rather to be extravagant than to I 

 honest — though the state of society is evident 

 improving; more perhaps, of necessity, thf 

 from inclination. — JS'iles'' Register. 



Jl'mCIAL PLEASANTRY. 



A lawyer, now deceased, a celebrated wa 

 was pleading before a Scotch Judge with whu 

 he was on most intimate terms. Happening 

 have a client, a female, defendant in an actio 

 of the name of Tickle, he commenced his spee( 

 in the following humorous strain : — " Tickl 

 my client, the defendant, my lord." The auil 

 tors, amused with the oddity of the speec 

 were almost driven into hysterics of lauglitc 

 by the Judge replying — "Tickle her yoursel 

 Harry ; you're as able to do it as L" 



LA FONTAINE. 



A worthy Antiquary was one day edifying tl 

 French academy with a monstrous long del: 

 of the comparative price of commodities at d 

 ferent periods, when La Fontaine observe 

 " cet homme cenuait Ic prix de tout excepte 

 temps." " This man knows the price of cvci 

 thing except time.'''' 



