192 



NEW ENGLAND FARMER. 



Jan. 4, 1828. 



MISCELLANIES. 



JVeic Yearns Address. 

 Time, the most persevering body 

 •Twixt New Orleans and Pass'maquoddy, 

 Who wails ou beggars, treads on kings. 

 And makes and mars all eartlily things ;— 

 Who forms a palace, or a shed — 

 A Newton's noil, a cabbage head 

 With equal ease — by whose assistance 

 All Being had and has existence — 

 The perpetrator of all crime, 

 (For every thing 's the work of Time,) 

 As well as source from whence proceeds 

 All noble and praise-worthy deeds ; 

 Ju truth the causa sine qva non 

 Of all we have, hope for. complain on ', 

 Another Year has brought to pass, 

 And tHrnM the old Year out to grass. 



And now, said all efficient wight, 

 Bids US attempt our annual flight, 

 O'er Heaven's high canopy to steer, 

 And hail the Advent of the Year— 

 Our bard-ship promising to croicn. 

 And cap our climax of renown 

 With amaranthine wreaths, more bright 

 Than splendid filaments of ight. 

 Which Day's Ascending Regent pours 

 Profusely from his golden stores, 

 . Tinting the clouds, by zephyr riven. 

 With the most gorgeous hues of heaven. 



But, stop — I apprehend that we 

 Have set out on too grand a key. 

 And must come down froYn heights imineuse, 

 To tread the ground of common sense ; 

 On eartlt a Farmcr^s business lies, 

 Not sowing wild nals in the skies. 

 Thus some I'salm-singers I have known 

 To set the lune, but miss tlie lone, 

 And then proceed, in Jehn-style, 

 Above the key-note, half a mile: 

 And driving onwards, thorough stitch 

 To A in alt, at concert pitch ; — 

 Now minims, crotchets, qnavrrs, dash 

 Together with discordant rrash ; — 

 And even (he F-;»ir, now rend the ^ir. 

 The music rare, to tatters tear ; — 

 (Ladies, though fair as flowers in June, 

 Will now and then get oul of lune,) 

 Stave thro' the staves, like folks possess'd, 

 And niurder jne of Handel's best. 

 Finding the Choir against a stump. 

 The Leader, with commanding thump, 

 Now puts a period to the strain, 

 Gives a new pitch, and starts again. 

 So, having slightly scath'd our pinions 

 In Fancy's perilous dominions. 

 We, plouehman-like, will plod along 

 Through the dull remnant of our song. 



Last year exhibited abundance, 

 .\monnting almost to redundance, 

 Of prime productions of the soil, 

 To crown the Cultivator's toil. 

 Blessings have fall'n, like drops in showers, 

 .Hialth, Peace, and Plenty have been ours, 

 And every earthly boon indeed, 

 Which Heaviij bestows, or mortals need- 

 All that should lead us, on our parts. 

 To thanklul lips, and grateful hearts. 

 Kind Hrovidence, with lavish hand, 

 Has sr^tter'd o'er a smiling land. 

 Earth's products arc of such a size, 

 We scarcely can believe our eyes, 

 And almost doubt tht- evidences 

 Of all our concjregated senses. 

 For instance. Beets, the beat of all 

 The beeis proilue'd since Adam's fall — 

 Strawberries, which a man would guess 

 Were large as Peaches, more or less. 

 And Peai^, approximating towards 

 The ordinary size of Gourds; — 

 So big, that botanists will say to us 

 Th-eir );inus is cticurbilaceotis — 

 Meaning, .thereby, to tell us bumpkins 

 Said Pears have cross'd tlieir breed with Pumpki 

 Are, therefore, bflijig thus allied, 

 Sheer monsteis on tiie mother's side. 



And wiy-neck'd Squashes, which were found 

 To overload the solid ground, 

 And threaten, by mere dint of gravity, 

 To break the shell of Symmes's cavity. 



Improvement's meliorating hand 

 Shines like a sun-beam thro' the land. 

 Here, docks and wharves, new streets and stores 

 F.inboss old Ocean's smiling shores. 

 Teeming with products of all nations — 

 There factories rise like exhalations. 

 Here, Toil his task Herculean plies, 

 There An bids new Creations rise, 

 And Home-spcnWuri.ds obey the will 

 Of human industry and skill I 

 These means subserve the Farmer's ends ; 

 Here dwell those ready-monied friends, 

 Who raise the value of his 'ands 

 And take that surplus oft" his hands. 

 Which otherwise were useless trash. 

 And metamorphose it to cash ; 

 Just as one Midas, we are told, 

 Tnrn'd every thing he touch'd to gold. 



Did it not look like ostentation, 

 And trumpetin? self-approbation. 

 We verily might say, with verity. 

 We add our mite to this prosperity 

 By fabricating head-work, which is 

 Harder by half than diffjing ditches. 

 And while we toil with lustihnod 

 For every individual's g^ood. 

 Hebdomadally lectures giving. 

 To teach all men to get a living. 

 We're wide awake to every movement, 

 Which tends to national improvement. 

 We fhf refore. may, we apprehend. 

 Be chrisfen'd Fvery-body's Friend ; 

 A wighf who has the World at large 

 Comr-nitted to hi= special charge. 

 To oversee whate'er rflates 

 To incomes, ontsToes, goods, estates, 

 And tell their owners how they may 

 Increase them in an hom-st way. 

 Our worship merits a position 

 Alono; side some renown'd physician. 

 Before whoni all disordr-rs vanish. 

 And bafflerl d'ath himself " waiks Spanish ;'■' 

 But few d'sorder- can be worse 

 Than quick consumption oi the purse — 

 Where squalid poverty prevails. 

 The patient needs no other ails, 

 Whate'er some moralists may deem, 

 To make him wretched in th' extreme ; 

 For awful agonies await 

 A mortally diseas'd estate. 

 But we assail this sore disease 

 With economic recipes. 

 Or like the Coan -age verbose 

 Prescribe full many a goodly dose 

 Of "aphorisms." which rarely fail 

 To cure the empty-pocket-ail. 



There's likewise nothing truer than 

 That we are Freedom'' s Right Hand Mav ; 

 By Poverty, if paralys'd, 

 A Commonwealth is soon capsiz'd ; — 

 Suppose we Yankees were a set 

 Of paltry paupers, deep in debt, 

 Dreading, for lack of wherewithal 

 The wrong side of a prison-wall. 

 Pray teil us what we might regard 

 Our Liberty as worth per yard ? 



The wight in straightcn'd circumstances, 

 Plagued and tmharrass'd in finances 

 Can hardly be much better than 

 A pitiful time serving man. 

 .\nd when tire storms of Faction lower 

 Succumbs to every blast of Power. 



That spruce old gentleman, so smart. 

 With " F^agle-eye," and "Lion-heart," 

 Whom bards have demi-defied, 

 Call'd Independence, wont abide 

 With ignorant, idle, shiftless chaps, 

 Poor living proofs of Adam's lapse. 

 He quaffs his cider, cracks his jokes 

 With good, stout, hardy, thriving folks, 



But his sojourning will be brief 



With those who can't get bread and beef. 



To benefit our fellow men 

 We ply the press and push the pen. 

 For aye continually contriving 

 The ways and means to make them thriving. 

 Lest they become, as life advances. 

 The slaves of narrow circumstances, 

 A slavery little in arrears, 

 Of what men suffer in Algiers. 



And sure 'twonld seem no more than fail 

 That they who give should also share, 

 Of courst your Honor will bestow 

 A trifle of the quid pro qvo^ 

 {Anglice) some remuneration 

 For all the useful information, 

 Drawn from the " Farmer's" ample stores. 

 We have presented at your doors. 

 And now, kind Sir, before we part 

 We wish you may, with all our heart, 

 Fnjoy through this, and many a year 

 Good health, good fkiends, good luck, gooh 

 Be blest in basket and in store, [cheer : 



Till this life's transient scenes are o'er, 

 And in the next forevernnire. 



Bostxin January 1, 1828. 



Simple cu',uivn)ut.ju. a ia ./^—Tire inliabitanf/ 

 of Landcs, in the south of France, being com- 

 pletely cut oli' from the rest of the world, have it 

 not in their power, (except when once or twice a 

 year they travel to the nearest towns with their 

 wool,) to purchase candles ; and as they have no 

 notion how these can be made, tliey siibstitute in 

 their rooms a lamp fed vvith the turpentine ex- 

 tracted from the fir trees. The whole process is 

 simple and primitive. To obtain this turpentine, 

 they cut a hole in the tree, and fasten a dish in it 

 to catch the sap as it oozes through, and as soon 

 as the dish is filled, they put a wick of cotton 

 into the midst of the liquor, and burn it ps we do 

 a lamp. 



Such a contrivance might nnswer very well if 

 placed in a chimney-way, or in some other tho- 

 rough fare for smoke. 



Large Hog—Mr. Enoch James, (of Deerfield,) 

 slaughtered a hog this season, eighteen monthe 

 old, which weighed when dressed 716 pounds. 

 Portsmouth Journal. 



I look upon every man as a suicide from the 

 moment be takes the dicebox desperately in his 

 hand, and all that follows in his career from that 

 fatal time is only sharpening the dagger before he 

 strikes it to his heart, — Cumberland. 



The Jews have a proverb, that he "who breeds 



not up his son to some ocrupatioii, nialtos him a Ihief," — and 

 the Arnbiarrs say, thai an idle per.'son is lire devil's play fellow. 



On examining the tongue of patients, physicians 



find orrl the diseases of ihe body, and plirlosophers the disease 

 of rhe mind. 



mile Mustard Seed. 

 For sale at the office of the New Englan,! Farmer, the bes' 

 Engli.sh While Muslard seed, by the pound or bushel. 



Lucerne Sted. 

 A rew hundred pounds of rre>h I.ncerno seed, bv the pound 

 or hnndre d vveigii t. lor s al e at th e N. E. Farmer ni-rrr. 

 JVeio Eii^tund Farmer's Almanack, for ISSST^ 

 Just puHislicd. at Ihe New Fiiglnrid Farmer Ofi;<c, an<: 

 /br sale by Bowi.ks & ^)I■.ARBoK^, 72 Wa.'ihinmon .Street, .-ind 

 at the Bookstores gener.div, the A'cit England Farmer's Alma- 

 T-'flf/f. for 1828. By Thomas G. Fessenden, Kdiior of the Ko.w 

 lOiigland Farmer 



The P'ARMFR is published every Friday, .at$3P0 

 per .innnm, or $2,00 if paid in advance. 



