124 



NEW ENGLAND FARMER, 



OCT. IS, lS43i 



REPORT ON SWINE. 

 The Report of the Committee of the Es.se.x .Ag- 

 ricultural Society on Sn-ine, is such a funny affair, 

 that we cannot resist the inclination to present the 

 concluding portion of it to our readers, by way of 

 spice to the rather unsavory dishes whicii we have 

 had to set before them recently in the shape of 

 some of the horticultural and agricultural reports. 

 The report will embalm its author in the memory 

 of all grateful swine, and the lilltr-HTy emanations 

 of countless pots will be eloquent in his praise. 



Report. 



The committee cannot close their report without 

 expressing their thanks for the honor conferred on 

 them. To be selected as judges to decide the 

 comparative merits of individuals of the interesting 

 class of quadrupeds committed to their care, is a 

 distinction to which they had not the ambition to 

 aspire. 



The committee have been fully aware that this 

 interesting race have not heretofore held that ex- 

 alted rank in the estimation of the comiTiunity 

 which their merits deserve. The Agricultural So- 

 ciety of the County of Worcester, has the high 

 honor of rescuing from undeserved obscurity the 

 much abused pig ; and it was reserved to the 

 Heart of the Commonwealth to furnish a champion 

 for all living pork. It would be a singular instance 

 of ingratitude on the part of the swinish race, if 

 his valuable services in their behalf, should not be 

 acknowledged by some public token of thoir appro- 

 bation. The swine of Essex county would cor- 

 dially join their brethren in other parts of the 

 world, in some testimonial of gratitude to their dis- 

 tinguished benefactor. We would respectfully 

 suggest to the sovereign porkers within our own 

 jurisdiction, that a meeting be helj; either at By- 

 field, or that part of Ipswich called Hogtown, to 

 choose delegates to a World's Convention. In 

 that great constellation of swinish statesmen and 

 worthies, we doubt not the luminaries of Essex 

 would vie with the Bacon lights of Worcester, in 

 doing honor to their own great patron. 



It has not escaped the attention of the commit- 

 tee in their reflections on the dignity of the swin- 

 ish race, that a new era in their history has just 

 commenced. They are henceforth to be the lights 

 of the world! It is to be from their liquid sub- 

 stance, after having " shuffled off this mortal coil," 

 that the human race is to derive that light for 

 which adventurous seamen have sought the huge 

 leviathan in the remote parts of the globe. Che- 

 mists have discovered that a substance may be de- 

 rived from pork, having all the economical proper- 

 ties of oil. Thus the student at his midnight lamp, 

 will be indebted to the light furnished from the 

 swine, for varied lore that will in its turn, enlight- 

 en the world ! 



The hog has much reason to complain of his 

 treatment from the hands of man. Not only is he 

 deprived of his liberty, but be is exposed to vio- 

 lence and assassination, and seldom lives to old 

 age, or dies a natural death. No sooner does the 

 youthful porker arrive at adult swinehood, and ex- 

 hibit the fine proportions of his sleek and portly 

 form, than his brutal master begins to show a most 

 onaccountable disposition to get him into "he' ^■fi- 

 ler," and ho is cut off "in the midst of his useful- 

 ness" by the hand of the executioner. In his deal- 

 ings with the hog, man reverses the simplest rules 

 of justice, as he hangs him first and tries him after- 

 wards. 



The committee lament to see that other animals 

 of inferior worth have usurped a place in the affec- 

 tions of the people to which the swine is a stran- 

 ger. Instances of this may be seen in preference 

 for the dog and the cat. The committee do not 

 mean to be (/o^-matical, and they have no intention 

 of delving into the mysteries of Pusejj-\sm; but 

 they cannot be blind to the fact thnt the canine 

 and feline races, inferior as they are in usefulnpss 

 to our swinish friends, are treated »vith far greater 

 deference and respect. Tho former are made the 

 companions of man in his wanderings and at his 

 domestic fireside, while to the latter, virtue is em- 

 phatically its own reward. The former are pam- 

 pered and indulged by man, and fondled and ca- 

 ressed by woman. But what lady is ever seen 

 fondling an unweaned pig? Alas! nobody cares- 

 ses a pig — nobody loves a pig — unless he is roast- 

 ed. 



In common with some of the greatest names in 

 the annals of the world, the hog is not appreciated 

 until death has made him insensible to all human 

 or swinish applause. History affords many instan- 

 ces of great benefactors of mankind, who in their 

 lifetime were treated with scorn and neglect, but 

 after death were rewarded, perhaps, by a monu- 

 ment or a statue. So it is with the swine. How- 

 ever he may be neglected and despised while he 

 lives, he has the consolatory reflection that at his 

 departure, he will have a place in the stomachs, if 

 not in the hearts of the people. 



There is something in the name of the animal 

 we are considering, which is associated with lite- 

 rature and science in their highest walks. The 

 Ettrick Shepherd, whose simple poetry has beguil- 

 ed many a hour on this side of the water, as well 

 as in his native Scotland, rejoices in the name of 

 Hogg ; and the mental food of many an urchin in 

 the long winter evening, is derived from Hogg's 

 Tales. In science and philosophy, how much 

 would have been lost to the world if no light had 

 been shed upon it by Bacon ! and what streams of 

 forensic eloquence at the Senate and the Bar, have 

 proceeded from a Choate ! 



In the physiognomy of the hog there is some- 

 thing that engages the attention of the most casual 

 observer. There is an expression of cunning in 

 his eye that betokens shrewdness, and with the 

 length of the nose we are accustomed to associate 

 wisdom. Humility is stamped on all his features, 

 and he is a most profound thinker. There is also 

 an expression of gravity in his countenance, not 

 inconsistent with that contentment and freedom 

 from care, which often manifests itself in a jolly 

 grunt or merry squeal. 



He cannot properly be called a non-resistant, 

 although he holds some of the opinions of the new 

 sect of Come-outers. He is a firm believer in the 

 absolute equality of the sexes, favors amalgamation, 

 and is o(iposed to all governnienU 



In his domestic habits the hog is not abstemi- 

 ous or over-nice in the choice of his food, and con- 

 sults no treatise on cookery in its preparation. He 

 claims no kindred with "striped pi^rs/'but is tem- 

 perate in drinking and may justly be called a cold 

 water hog. Ho never signed the total abstinence 

 pledge, yet never violated its letter or spirit. He 

 IS often in the gutter, but he always goes in and 

 cnmee out a sober hog — and never boasts of it af- 

 terwards. 



The hog is a gentleman. This discovery was 



ade as long ago as the time of Franklin, and that 



eminent philosopher was the first to make this im- 



portant fact known to the world. The aristocrat 

 hog eats, drinks, and walks about like another get 

 tleiuan dandy of leisure. He uuriis up his nose 

 labor, and despises that vulgar portion of the coi 

 mnnity who, from choice or necessity, have a 

 thing to do. He sports no whiskers, but choos 

 to wear his bristles on his back rather than on 1 

 chin. He is celebrated for a certain kind of ind 

 pendence in his movements, and will go any w 

 but the right one. The gentleman hog is no Con 

 D'Orsay in costume, and his dress, if it cannot 

 called graceful, yet considering that it consists 



nothing at all, it has no positive demerits wlii 



is more than can be said of the dandy's. 



The lady pig is also less solicitous about t 

 " putting on of apparel," than those of her sex 

 another race. The form that nature gave her 

 never deformed by comprcssimi or by unsoem 

 excrescences at her shoulders or elsetvhere ; ai 

 we hope she will not be accused of disrespect 

 the higher orders of the clersy, if she has no s 

 perstitious reverence for " cartliiials" and " bishopt 

 She is remarkable for her " good breeding " and 

 this respect, fears not comparison with any Quei 

 of any realm. 



The whole business of the education of her i 

 fant family in the various branches of swinish lit 

 rature and science, devolves upon her. She fii 

 learns them the geography of the sty, and so mui 

 of the adjacent territory as she is permitted to e 

 plore. In the languages, tliey are easily made f 

 miliar with their native tongue, which is hug-lati 

 In geology, they go deep into the different stra 

 of the duiig-heap, but they prefer cold batter pu 

 ding to pudding-stone, and quarts of sour milk 

 even swill, to any other quartz. In arithmetic, 

 is doubtful whether they ever go farther than tl 

 Extraction of Roots, and they close their educ 

 tion by obtaining a knowledge of music. In tl 

 practice of this divine art, they depend entirely c 

 their own sweet voices and discard all iiistrumei 

 tal accompaniments, believing that the best pitcl 

 pipe is the wind-pipe, and that church organs are 

 poor substitute for the vocal organs. 



If the committee have gone "the whole hog 

 in behalf of the race of animals committed to the 

 charge, it is because they have reason to belie\ 

 that the public have very inadequate notions . 

 their importance to the welfare of our own specie 

 * * Let us suppose that some Miller prophet i 

 their number, should arise, and predict a sudde 

 and total destruction of his kind, and that, unlik- 

 that of his human prototype, his predictions shouk 

 be fulfilled. * * There would at once be 

 famine of pork, in all its solid and liquid form 

 Never more could we expect to live on the fat i 

 the land. The population of the earth would h: 

 perceptibly thinner; — we do not assert that th 

 number would be less, but the people thcmselvt' 

 would be thinner. Lantern jaws and cadaverou 

 countenances would be contemptibly common. A 

 derinen would lose their rotundity, and there woul) 

 be no scarcity of living skeletons. There wou] 

 be a short supply of shnrt-cakes, and of spare-rih 

 there would be none to spare. Dough-nuts woul 

 be banished from our tea-tables, and baked beant 

 from our huskings ; while sensibility shudders) 

 contemplation of the vile substitute foT sausages' 



Your committee, in their endeavors to exhibii 

 some of the high qualities of the race of animal 

 under their special guardianship, liave occupiel 

 more time than they intended ; but no more than 

 in their opinion, its great importance demand* 



