864 Ten Years oj my Life. 



husband had done more for the honour of his family than any 

 of its members for several hundred years ; and I imagined that 

 the head of that family mights perhaps be inclined to honour 

 his memory by sacrificing a few paltry thousands, and the more 

 as he, as mentioned before, received the sum for which Felix's 

 life was- insured, and had no longer to pay his annuity. 



I shall not say more about it, but only state facts necessary 

 to justify the course I was compelled to pursue in consequence 

 of this refusal. 



The prince offered me rooms and free station in his castle, 

 where I might have lived to the end of my life by his grace. As 

 I had, however, my pension from His Majesty the Emperor of 

 Austria, which I did not owe to the family of Salm but to 

 myself, and moreover, a small pension as the widow of a 

 Prussian major dead on the battlefield, and for other reasons 

 I declined that offer, and returned, with rather bitter feeling 

 in my heart, and only about 200 thalers in my pocket, to 

 Coblentz. 



When I entered my old home, the first I had since my 

 marriage, and where I had passed a happy time, I felt as a 

 mother who has lost her babe may feel on first entering the 

 empty nursery and seeing there the toys with which her darl- 

 ing once played. Opening my husband's writing-table and 

 looking around in his room, every trifling object reminded me 

 of some little occurrence or some words spoken by him ; and 

 my grief, for which I had, as it were, no leisure during the 

 ardent duties of the war, broke out now with renewed force. 



The sympathy shown me by the ladies of Coblentz and all 

 my friends there was indeed a soothing balm, but it could not 

 make me forget my loss, nor prevent me from reflecting upon 

 my isolated and wretched situation, which did not even allow 

 me the melancholy luxury of grieving in peace. Rude reality 

 knocked at my door in the shape of clamouring creditors. 



Poor people ! they were perfectly right to ask payment for 

 thmgs they had furnished, mostly on my own orders, for which 

 they had paid their own money, earned by their own industry 

 and work. Who can blame them if they did not understand 

 my sad and desolate condition ? Used to look upon princes 

 with a certain respect, they could not imagine that a princess 

 should not be able to pay a few thalers, or at least to procure 

 them from the family of her husband, to save his memory 



