92 LIFE OF PROFESSOR HUXLEY CHAP. V 



stand. I am under no one's patronage, nor do I ever 

 mean to be. I have never asked, and I never will ask, 

 any man for his help from mere motives of friendship. 

 If any man thinks that I am capable of forwarding the 

 great cause in ever so small a way, let him just give me 

 a helping hand and I will thank him, but if not, he is 

 doing both himself and me harm in offering it, and if it 

 should be necessary for me to find public expression to 

 my thoughts on any matter, I have clearly made up my 

 mind to do so, without allowing myself to be influenced 

 by hope of gain or weight of authority. 



There are many nice people in this world for whose 

 praise or blame I care not a whistle. I don't know and 

 I don't care whether I shall ever be what is called a great 

 man. I will leave my mark somewhere, and it shall be 



clear and distinct [l. H. H., his mark, and free from the 



abominable blur of cant, humbug, and self-seeking which 

 surrounds everything in this present world that is to 

 say, supposing that I am not already unconsciously tainted 

 myself, a result of which I have a morbid dread. I am 

 perhaps overrating myself. You must put me in mind 

 of my better self, as you did in your last letter, when 

 you write. 



But I must come to the close of my epistle, as I have 

 one to enclose from my mother. My next shall be longer, 

 and I hope I shall then be able to tell you what I am 

 doing. At any rate I hope to be in England for twelve 

 months. 



I am very much ashamed of myself for not having 

 written to you for so long open confession is good for 

 the soul, they say, and I will honestly confess that I was 

 half puzzled, half piqued, and altogether sulky at your 

 not having answered my last letter containing my love 

 story, of which I wrote you an account before anybody. 

 You must not suppose my affection was a bit the less 

 because I was half angry. Nettie, who knows you well, 

 could tell you otherwise. Indeed, now that I know all, 



