1852 DESPAIR 119 



Here is another typical extract from his corre- 

 spondence. Hearing that Toronto is likely to go to 

 a relative of a Canadian minister, he writes, January 

 2, 1852 : 



I think of all my dreams and aspirations, and of the 

 path which I know lies before me if I can only bide my 

 time, and it seems a sin and a shameful thing to allow 

 my resolve to be turned ; and then comes the mocking 

 suspicion, is this fine abstract duty of yours anything but 

 a subtlety of your own selfishness ? Have you not other 

 more imperative duties ? 



You may fancy whether my life is a very happy one 

 thus spent without even the satisfaction of the sense of 

 right-doing. I must come to some resolution about it, 

 and that shortly. I was talking seriously with Fanning 

 the other night about the possibility of finding some 

 employment of a profitable kind in Australia, store- 

 keeping, squatting, or the like. As I told him, any 

 change in my mode of life must be total. If I am to 

 change at all, the change must be total and complete. 

 I will not attempt my own profession. I should only be 

 led astray to think and to work as of old, and sigh con- 

 tinually for my old dear and intoxicating pursuits. I 

 wish I understood Brewing, and I would make a pro- 

 position to come and help your father. You may smile, 

 but I am as serious as ever I was in my life. 



The distance between them made it doubly 

 difficult to keep in touch with one another, when 

 the post took from four and a half to five or even 

 six months to reach England from Australia. The 

 answer to a letter would come when the matter in 

 question was long done with. The assurance that 

 he was doing right at one moment seemed inadequate 



