1852 DEATH OF HIS MOTHER 143 



I had got very nervous about it, and my poor mother's 

 death had greatly upset my plans for working it out. 



It was the first lecture I had ever given in my life, 

 and to what is considered the best audience in London. 

 As nothing ever works up my energies but a high flight, 

 I had chosen a very difficult abstract point, in my view 

 of which I stand almost alone. When I took a glimpse 

 into the theatre and saw it full of faces, I did feel most 

 amazingly uncomfortable. I can now quite understand 

 what it is to be going to be hanged, and nothing but the 

 necessity of the case prevented me from running away. 



However, when the hour struck, in I marched, and 

 began to deliver my discourse. For ten minutes I did 

 not quite know where I was, but by degrees I got used 

 to it, and gradually gained perfect command of myself 

 and of my subject. I believe I contrived to interest my 

 audience, and upon the whole I think I may say that this 

 essay was successful 



Thank Heaven I can say so, for though it is no great 

 matter succeeding, failing would have been a bitter annoy- 

 ance to me. It has put me comfortably at my ease with 

 regard to all future lecturings. After the Royal Institu- 

 tion there is no audience I shall ever fear. 



May 9. 



The foolish state of excitement into which I allowed 

 myself to get the other day completely did for me, and 

 I have hardly done anything since except sleep a great 

 deal. It is a strange thing that with all my will I 

 cannot control my physical organisation. 



To HIS SISTER 



April 17, 1852. 



... I fear nothing will have prepared you to hear 

 that one so active in body and mind as our poor mother 

 was has been taken from us. But so it is. . . 



