BANQUET. 267 



ADDRESS OF JUDGE BUFFINGTON. 



Mr. Toastmaster, Mr. Secretary of the Navy, ladies and gentlemen, guests and mem- 

 bers of this Society, my little Scotch-Irish wife out in Pittsburgh sometimes says to me 

 when I am unexpectedly called on to make an unlooked-for address : "Well, whatever else 

 you do, don't begin by apologizing." It is a little tough, however, to be commandeered and 

 stood up before this firing line and in this presence to-night. One feels a sense of responsi- 

 •bility in setting the ke3mote and being the forerunner of that brilliant galaxy of men who 

 will later shoot down the oratorical toboggan and seek to entertain you as they whiz past. 

 For my part, I feel somewhat like the man who had a slight domestic trouble which ended 

 in a minor assault upon that treasured member of his household, his wife's mother, and for 

 which he was hailed into the police court. The wise man who presided in that august tri- 

 bimal was evidently one who had troubles of his own also, for, after hearing the case and 

 duly considering the provocation, he fined the assaulter $5.25. The defendant, gratified at 

 the justice and moderation of the sentence, said : "Judge, I appreciate the $5 fine, and, be- 

 tween ourselves, I think that is about right and that you understand the situation, but I 

 don't quite grasp the 25 cents that you have added." "Brother," said the judge, "that is the 

 war tax on amusements." 



Now, my friends, that volley of rapid-fire applause cheers me immensely. It is a hard 

 thing for a stranger to try out a story on a strange audience and have no one catch on until 

 the second section comes along, but you chaps have caught on to the first section, so I may 

 try another. But, really, you know, without making any apologies, to get a man up and 

 commandeer him here to speak for the Army in the presence of the Navy — why, I feel just 

 about like one of those Scotch-Irish preachers whom I am encouraged to tell you about — 

 and by way of parenthesis I might say just here that you had better prize the religious mat- 

 ter that comes in on the early part of the toboggan program, for as I look down the roster 

 and see that it ends with Schwab, I am satisfied the religious and spiritual part may reach 

 the depths O'f ebb tide when C. M. wades in. 



But to digress from Schwab to the two Scotch preachers. I feel like one of them — I 

 mean one of the preachers, not Mr. Schwab' — as I stand here to-night. These clericals got to 

 discussing — Dr. Tompkins, I am glad to see you so deeply interested in this information 

 about the clergy, I beg of you to listen carefully; it may help' your flock if you will hear, 

 mark, learn and inwardly digest what I have to say — well, these two Scotch dominies got 

 to discussing how best to prepare sermons, and one said, "Well, nov\% brither, ye see my 

 way is this: On Monday, of course, it's an oflf day for the clargy, but Tuesday I start in 

 and I jot down on paper 'Farstly,' and under that I put do'wn a farst part for my dascourse, 

 Wednesday I put down 'Sacondly' and put the sacond part of the dascourse under that cap- 



