APRIL 19, 1912] 
“But what do their families do?” asked 
Hennessy. 
“They don’t have anny,” said Mr. Dooley. 
“Yis, science is a great thing.” 
“ But what is science?” said Hennessy. 
“Ym serprised at yer ign’rince, Hinnissy. 
*Tis ‘knowlidge sit in orther,’ as me frind Doe 
Wiley says. It’s like this. Take yersilf, Hin- 
nissy; ye have some knowlidge iv mixin’ 
drinks, but it kapes ye in trooble because ye 
don’t have it sittin’ in orther.” 
“T orther what I plase,” said Hennessy. 
“Don’t int’rupt me argiment,” said Mr. 
Dooley. “ Yer knowlidge bein’—as I may say 
—th’ common or gardin varity iv knowlidge, 
ye goorge yersilf on two scooners iv beer and 
thin ye regoorge yersilf on two indacintly 
large glasses iv whiskey, and thin I have to 
iscoort ye home.” 
“Niver! with only two glasses,” interrupted 
Hennessy. 
“ As I was sayin’, ’tis th’ orther was wrong. 
That’s where science stips up and puts ye 
right. It says, the orther is beer afther whis- 
key; niver whiskey afther beer.” 
“Do ye know anny scientists?” said Hen- 
nessy. 
“Some iv th’ greatest,” replied Mr. Dooley. 
“Tn fact, I have jist coom from visitin’? wan 
iv me old collidge frinds, who is a great beol- 
lergist. As I know that ye can’t consave th’ 
proper manin’ iv th’ worrud Beollergist, I will 
explain. ’Tis made up iv two worruds, the 
worrud ‘be,’ ‘being,’ manin’ annything at all 
that can be, and th’ worrud ‘ oller’ or ‘holler.’ 
That is, tis anny wan who hollers a great deal 
about ivry livin’ thing.” 
“Where does yer frind worruk?” asked 
Hennessy. 
“Niver say that worrud iv a scientist, Hin- 
nissy. He re-e-tains a posishun iv thrust an’ 
responsibility with our great an’ gloryus 
government at Washington.” 
“Do they have scientists at Washington?” 
asked Hennessy. 
“They do that. Me frind says that moostly 
all iv th’ raly progrissiv scientists ar’ at Wash- 
ington. Ye see, Hinnissy, scientists ar’ jist 
like polytishuns; they ar’ divided into pro- 
SCIENCE 
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grissives an’ consarvitives. The progrissives 
want to see somethin’ doin’ avin av they have 
to do it thimsilves: th’ consarvitives moost 
have ivrythin’ quiet avin iv th’ ithers want ¢’ 
worruk.” 
“What do they do?” said Hennessy. 
“They ask Congriss fer large appropria- 
shuns froom th’ money that th’ taxpayers iv 
th’ coonthry rejoice +? conthribute, fer th’ 
perpus iv amelyoratin’ th’ rejuced condishun 
iv th’ pore farmer.” 
“What ilse do they do?” asked Hennessy. 
“I fergot t? ask,” said Mr. Dooley, “but I 
know, be th’ way me frind was wipin’ th’ 
sweat iv toil from his brow, that he is not wan 
who wud accept his small honyraryum from 
a ginerus an’ grateful government without 
doobly arrnin’ it. He had jist finished, be 
tremenjus la-a-bor, a monimental worruk 
showin’ how anny farmer, be th’ simple use iv 
a tillisecope an’ siv’ral ither chimicals which 
have iscaped me mim’ry fer th’ moment, can 
ixamine a single grane iv wheat an’ tell what 
farm it grew on.” 
“Why shud he want to do that?” said 
Hennessy. 
“He don’t,” said Mr. Dooley as he relighted 
his pipe, “but it will amelyorate his rejuced 
condishun. 
“But it was not this awful la-a-bor brot to 
a brilyunt conclushun that pre-e-juced th’ 
beads upon his fevered brow; it was th’ great 
trooble he was havin’ to kape th’ science iv th’ 
coonthry upon ‘th’ plane to which it properly 
belongs,’ as he said to me in toones iv great 
imotion. Says he: ‘Iv’ry time I pick up me 
fav’rite jernul, The Ixpirimint Stashun Ri- 
cord, I am pained be th’ use iv langwidge that 
I do not understand. There ar’ worruds that 
I have always trated as me own chilther that 
wud no longer be ricognized be their own 
father.’ 
“ Not wishin’ to seem onint’risted I bro-o-ke 
th’ pause in th’ convarsashun be askin’, 
‘ Ain’t there lots iv worruds with more than 
wan manin’?’ 
“¢Tn litherachoor,’ says he with a savidge 
frown, ‘which is a very diffrunt thing. In 
litherachoor such a thing is permisabul be- 
