I08 LIFE OF PROFESSOR HUXLEY chap, vii 



May 3, 1S52. 



So much occupation has crowded upon me between the be- 

 ginning of this letter and the present time that I have been 

 unable to finish it. I had undertaken to give a lecture at the 

 Royal Institution on the 30th April. It was on a difficult sub- 

 ject, requiring a good deal of thought; and as it was my first 

 appearance and before the best audience in London, you may 

 imagine how anxious and nervous I was, and how completely I 

 was obliged to abstract my thoughts from everything else. 



However, I am happy to say it is well over. There was a 

 very good audience — Faraday, Prof. Forbes, Dr. Forbes, 

 Wharton Jones, and [a] whole lot of " nobs," among my audi- 

 tors. I had made up my mind all day to break down, and then 

 go and hang myself privately. And so you may imagine that 

 I entered the theatre with a very pale face, and a heart beating 

 like a sledge-hammer nineteen to the dozen. For the first five 

 minutes I did not know very clearly what I was about, but by 

 degrees I got possession of myself and of my subject, and did 

 not care for anybody. I have had " golden opinions from all 

 sorts of men " about it, so I suppose I may tell you I have suc- 

 ceeded. I don't think, however, that I ever felt so thoroughly 

 used up in my life as I did for two days afterwards. There is 

 one comfort, I shall never be nervous again about any audience; 

 but at one's first attempt, to stand in the place of Faraday and 

 such big-wigs might excuse a little weakness. 



The way is clear before me, if my external circumstances 

 will only allow me to persevere; but I fully expect that I shall 

 have to give up my dreams. 



Science in England does everything — ^but pay. You may 

 earn praise but not pudding. 



I have helping hands held out to me on all sides, but there 

 is nothing to help me to. Last year I became a candidate for a 

 Professorship at Toronto. I took an infinity of trouble over 

 the thing, and got together a mass of testimonials and recom- 

 mendations, much better than I had any right to expect. From 

 that time to this I have heard nothing of the business— a result 

 for which I care the less, as I believe the chair will be given 

 to a brother of one of the members of the Canadian ministry, 

 who is, I hear, a candidate. Such a qualification as that is, of 

 course, better than all the testimonials in the world. 



I think I told you when I last wrote that I was expecting a 

 grant from Government to publish the chief part of my work, 

 done while away. I am expecting it still. I got tired of waiting 



