HOW THE AUTHOR WAS SOLD IN NEWARK. 97 



once more ! Oh, if I could only see him weep ! " I was touched. I could 

 never withstand distress. 



I said-: " Bring him to my lecture. I'll start him for you." 



" Oh, if you could but do it ! If you could but do it, all our family would 

 bless you for evermore — for he is so very dear to us. Oh, my benefactor, can 

 you make him laugh .' can you bring soothing tears to those parched orbs ? " 



I was profoundly moved. I said: "My son, bring the old party round. I 

 have got some jokes in that lecture that will make him laugh if there is any laugh 

 in him ; and if they miss fire, I have got some others that will make him cry or 

 kill him, one or the other." Then the young m,an blessed me, and wept on my 

 neck, and went after his uncle. He placed him in full view, in the second row 

 of benches that night, and I began on him. I tried him with mild jokes, then 

 with severe ones; I dosed him with bad jokes and riddled him with good ones; 

 I fired old stale jokes into him, and peppered him fore and aft with red-hot new 

 ones ; I warmed up to my work, and assaulted him on the right and left, in 

 front and behind ; I fumed and sweated and charged and ranted till I was hoarse 

 and sick, and frantic and furious ; but I never moved him once — I never started 

 a smile or a tear ! Never a ghost of a smile, and never a suspicion of moisture ! 

 I was astounded. I closed the lecture at last with one despairing shriek — with 

 one wild burst of humor, and hurled a joke of supernatural atrocity full at him ! 



Then I sat down bewildered and exhausted. 



The president of the society came up and bathed my head with cold water, 

 and said : " What made you carry on so towards the last ? " 



I said : " I was trying to make that confounded old fool laugh, in the second 

 row." 



And he said : " Well, you were wasting your time, because he is deaf and 

 dumb, and as blind as a badger ! " 



Now, was that any way for that old man's nephew to impose on a stranger 

 and orphan like me t I ask you as a man and brother, if that was any way for 

 him to do ? 



