THE GREA T PEEF CONTRA CT. 105 



" Perdition ! have you got here with your incendiary beef contract, at last ? 

 We have nothing to do with beef contracts for the army, my dear sir." 



" Oh, that is all very well — but somebody has got to pay for that beef. It has 

 got to be paid now, too, or I'll confiscate this old Patent OflBce and everything 

 in it." 



" But, my dear sir " 



" It don't make any difference, sir. The Patent Office is liable for that beef, 

 I reckon ; and, liable or not liable, the Patent Office has got to pay for it." 



Never mind the details. It ended in a fight. The Patent Office won. But I 

 found out something to my advantage. I was told that the Treasury Depart- 

 ment was the proper place for me to go to. I went there. I waited two hours 

 and a half, and then I was admitted to the First Lord of the Treasury. 



I said, " Most noble, grave, and reverend Signer, on or about the loth day of 

 October, 1 86 1, John Wilson Macken " 



" That is sufficient, sir. I have heard of you. Go to the First Auditor of the 

 Treasury." 



I did so. He sent me to the Second Auditor. The Second Auditor sent me 

 to the Third, and the Third sent me to the First Comptroller of the Corn-Beef 

 Division. This began to look like business. He examined his books and all 

 his loose papers, but found no minute of the beef contract. I went to the Second 

 Comptroller of the Corn-Beef Division. He examined his books and his loose 

 papers, but with no success. I was encouraged. During that week I got as far 

 as the Sixth Comptroller in that division ; the next week I got through the 

 Claims Department ; the third week I began and completed the Mislaid Con- 

 tracts Department, and got a foothold in the Dead Reckoning Department. I 

 finished that in three days. There was only one place left for it now. I laid 

 siege to the Commissioner of Odds and Ends. To his clerk, rather — he was not 

 there himself. Thete were sixteen beautiful young ladies in the room, writing 

 in books, and there were seven well-favored young clerks showing them how. 

 The young women smiled up over their shoulders, and the clerks smiled back 

 at them, and all went merry as a marriage bell. Two or three clerks that were 

 reading tne newspapers looked at me rather hard, but went on reading, and 



