266 MARK- TWAIN'S SKETCHES. 



the best way it could. But duty called, and I obeyed. I called on the Secretary 

 of the Treasury, He said — 



" What will you have ? " 



The question threw me off my guard. I said, " Rum punch." 



He said, " If you have got any business here, sir, state it — and in as few words as 

 possible." 



I then said that I was sorry he had seen fit to change the subject so abruptly, 

 because such conduct was very offensive to me; but under the circumstances I 

 would overlook the matter and come to the point. I now. went into an earnest 

 expostulation with him upon the extravagant length of his report. I said it was 

 expensive, unnecessary, and awkwardly constructed; there were no descriptive 

 passages in it, no poetry, no sentiment — no heroes, no plot, no pictures — not even 

 woodcuts. Nobody would read it, that was a clear case. I urged him not to ruin 

 his reputation by getting but a thing like that. If he ever hoped to succeed in 

 literature, he must throw more variety into his writings. He must beware of dry 

 detail. I said that the main popularity of the almanac was derived from its poetry 

 and conundrumsj and that a few conundrums distributed around through his 

 Treasury report would help the sale of it more than all the internal revenue he 

 could put into it. I said these things in the kindest spirit, and yet the Secretary 

 of the Treasury fell into a violent passion. He even said I was an ass. He abused 

 me in the most vindictive manner, and said that if I came there again meddling 

 with his business, he would throw me out of the window. I said I would take my 

 hat and go, if I could not be treated with the respect due to my office, and I did 

 go. It was just like a new author. They always think they know more than 

 anybody else when they are getting out their first book. Nobody can tell ihem 

 anything. 



During the whole time that I was connected with the Government it seemed as 

 if I could not do anything in an official capacity without getting myself into trouble. 

 And yet I did nothing, attempted nothing, but what I conceived to be for the good 

 of my country. The sting of my wrongs may have driven me to unjust and harmful 

 conclusions, but it surely seemed to me that the Secretary of State, the Secretary 

 of War, the Secretary of the Treasury, and others of my confreres, had conspired 



