88 MEMOIK OP ALFRKD SMEE. [Chap. VIII. 



or just man. He is an arrant coward. It never entered his head to be 

 killed or even to be hurt, and he maims or kills his opponent as an act of 

 cowardice for his own protection. Under these ' circumstances the fate of 

 the brave man who is killed in war, and fears not his doom for the sake of 

 duty, is not to be compared with the cowardly miscreant who is fearful and 

 cruel. For this reason the entire population had better be kept in con- 

 tinual terror than that the garrotter or burglar shall receive the doom 

 which he never contemplated. 



The Food J}reatmervt. 



13. It is now very difficult to catch a burglar or imprison a garrotter. 

 This might all be obviated by properly regulated prisons. If there was no 

 restraint, and they could ge where they liked, they would undoubtedly 

 come into prison of their own accord ; that is, if they had sufficient induce- 

 ment for so doing. Now, bread and water continuously is no inducement 

 for anybody; but a well-ordered prison with parks, pleasure-grounds, 

 winter-gardens, fish and game preserves, with a proper supply of such fare 

 as turkey and plum-pudding for Christmas, and of the various delicacies 

 at the earliest possible moment they respectively come into season, wotdd 

 soften the garrotter's heart, and, instead of assaulting the police as they do 

 at present, they would freely admit their own guUt, save all the expenses 

 of prosecution, and come into gaol when they felt they had had enough of 

 their adventures. What a beautiful sight it would be to see troops of 

 garrotters and burglars coming to repent every morning of their wickedness 

 done in the night ! 



The Bwnyp Treatment. 



14. No member of the Society of Friends nor thinking individual can 

 doubt but that the cruelty of the burglar and garrotter is due to certain 

 bumps of the head which are too prominent. The first process in the 

 treatment would be effectually to gauge the head. Possibly an humble 

 petition numerously signed by Friends and Unitarians would secure for 

 that object the services of Dr. Carpenter, whom some people consider to be 

 as great in his physiology as sound in his religion. Under his instruction 

 gentle young ladies might be employed to manupress the cruelty bumps 

 and draw forth with an exhausting tube the benevolent ones. Who knows, 

 when the heads of garrotters are rubbed into models of benevolence and 

 kindness, how many cases of affection may spring up between the garrotter 

 and bump-represser, which would give to the young robber-changer a, most 

 amiable partner for life ? The process is so efficacious that gorillas can, by 

 the manipulation of their bumps, be turned into perfect men. How many 

 gorillas have been so changed nobody can tell, unless it be the Bishop of 

 Oxford, who at the British Association appeared to have some special 

 knowledge of these creatures. What more powerful reason can be "iven 

 for stopping the stupid Legislature from hanging gaiTotters than the 

 possibility of their being rubbed into judges, bishops, or members of 

 Parliament ? 



African Project. 



15. In looking at the question of dealing with great criminals we must 

 not overlook the proposition to send burglars and gaiTotters to Sien-a 



